Being Young in Metal

You don’t understand why older metal fans are always giving you a hard time about not being there “back in the day,” as if you had any say when you were conceived.

You don’t understand why anyone who feel sentimental about tape trading when now you can just download music immediately.

You neither know nor care what a “‘zine” is.

You don’t care that your favorite band’s sound is allegedly derivative of some other band that broke up years ago. That band wasn’t yours the way this band is, and besides, you’ve listened to that band, and they’re boring.

No one has ever loved their favorite band as much as you love your favorite band.

You pay a LOT of attention to lyrics.

Whenever possible, you read album credits cover to cover.

You pretend to like certain bands that older people have told you’re “supposed” to like because they assume you know more about it than you do. But in private, those bands hold little to no appeal to you; you never put on one of their albums for pleasure.

Their reunion tour is the first chance you’ve ever had to see a band live.

You spend hours listening to bands on the web, searching for your next great love.

When someone doesn’t like a band you like, you take it very, very personally.

You’re seriously considering getting a tattoo of the logo of your favorite band.

You think Ozzy’s current guitarist is the best guitarist with whom he’s ever worked.

You think Megadeth’s current line-up is the best line-up they’ve ever had.

You can’t understand why Mötley Crüe is considered metal.

You think of Slash and Duff McKagan as “the guys from Velvet Revolver.”

Sub and sub-sub genre labels are vv important to you.

You get really angry about mainstream metal and/or bands that aren’t cool to like.

You regularly listen to at least one metal album you would never, ever admit to liking.

You go to as many shows as possible. Having heard of the bands playing before is not a prerequisite for attendance.

You consider any bill featuring less than five bands to be a rip-off. In your view, any show that ends before midnight ends “early.”

You never leave before the headliner finishes.

You’re way into encores.

You want to be as close to the stage as possible.

You love mosh pits.

If you a leave a show not sheathed in sweat and able to hear and use your voice, you did it wrong.

You think people in metal bands probably have the coolest lives ever.

When you meet a member of the band at the merch table after the show, you’re star struck.

You buy as much merch as you can afford.

You wear the merch you bought at a show the very next day.

You believe everything a musician you admire says just because he or she said it.

You don’t even realize that the band you just saw play for five people in a VFW hall is going to massive in five years.

You don’t even realize that the band you just saw play for five people in a VFW hall and totally KILL IT will be broken up in five months.

You’ve heard stories about how some band called Attack Attack! “ruined everything.”

You insist you’ll never feel “burnt out” on metal the way lame older fans say they are.

You think you know everything.

You’re right, you probably do.