New Jersey Woman Charged with Biting EMT at a Disturbed Show

Sometimes, when you’re feeling down and the world seems gray and cruel, life tosses you a little ray of sunshine and says, Hey, partner, turn that frown upside-down, there’s poetry in the universe! 

That’s how I felt this morning when I found out that a woman is being charged with biting an EMT who was trying to give her first aid at a Disturbed show in Holmdel, NJ.

According to the Holmdel Patch, this went down Sunday, 7/31, at the PNC Bank Arts Center (where, for the record, young Rhombus saw Ozzfest ’99 and decided that of all the fine genres of music, metal was the one he wanted to waste his life on). The woman, Elizabeth Chirichiello, 36, bit the EMT while he attempted to give her first aid, and then kicked and flailed her arms at state troopers while they attempted to arrest her. She was charged with simple assault, a fourth-degree crime.

But that’s all the Patch tells us, and I want more. What exactly was she being treated for, and why would she bite a man who was trying to give her medical help? The obvious answer, of course, is that she was tripping balls, and the drugs plus the power of “Inside the Fire” made her freak out and go full zombie apocalypse on this unsuspecting dude in a yellow polo shirt.

Hopefully, we’ll get the full story in the near future. In the meantime, guys, if an EMS worker is attempting to help you, do not bite them, or at least not hard enough for it to be considered assault. Come on, now.