Bloody Dildos Not Included: You Can Now Buy Deathgasm Action Figures
Aw, what’s wrong, Timmy? The other kids have cool toys, and you’re stuck pretending an empty tube of Preparation H is a Power Ranger or whatever bullshit helmet guy you kids like these days?
Well, thankfully the day has come where you can tell all those other little bastards to stick their fancy toys up their buttholes, because you’ve got Deathgasm action figures!
That’s right, the fellows at Good Leg Toys have made a line of figures from last year’s genre-shtupping metal horror comedy, including all your favorite characters:
- Insecure Brodie, with drill-guitar for perforating demon penises!
- Funky cold Medina, with realistic splatter pattern and ax for head-splitting!
- Badass Zakk, with chainsaw for gutsfucking and interchangeable head that lets him become eyeless demon master Aeloth The Blind!
You can buy all three of these metal-as-fuck action figures for $66.60 (ask your parents what that number means!) starting tomorrow. The Good Leg website says, “THESE ARE NOT TOYS! FOR THE ADULT COLLECTOR ONLY!” Which is some ridiculous bullshit, but probably means that if you’re actually under ten, they might pose a terrible choking hazard. Metal!
So don’t be an utter dickhead, Timmy–spend your night perched at your computer, ready for the moment these action figures go on sale here, and snap them up quickly! What’s that? You’d rather play something on your mom’s phone? Hey, fuck you, Timmy. Fuck your entire generation.
