You’ll Be Happy to Know That King Diamond is Getting Laid a Ton

A few years ago, King Diamond had triple-bypass surgery that saved his life. Seemingly in response, the King returned to the public eye, appearing at European festivals and  touring extensively. He’s even going to release a new album in 2016. Metalheads everywhere can be thankful that King got the surgery and is adding a new chapter to his already impressive legacy.

But none of that matters, really. What matters is, King Diamond’s having oodles of sex, son. Just the raddest sex.

In a recent interview with Metal Hammer, King publicly admitted that getting his life back on track lit a new flame in his spooky boudoir:

“I’ve also found that, since I made a real effort to have a healthy lifestyle, my voice has improved so much. I can now hit notes that were a struggle for me when I was younger. As for my sex life, that’s just great now. And I am not saying that because my wife is sitting next to me!”

Wow, 59 years old and still making improvements to his sex life. When I’m 59, I feel like my sex life will involve whether or not I keep the cookies Double-Stuff or if I use them to make Quadruple-Stuff (I call that a “Rhombus Deluxe”). As Metal Insider points out, it probably helps that King’s queen, Livia Zita, is only 31.

I don’t know about you guys, but this new makes me so happy. Too often, metal’s hallowed halls, especially those reserved for corpsepaint-wearing Satan-worshippers, are seen as totally asexual and littered with nothing more than empty whiskey bottles and 20-sided die. But we all know that banging, wanting to bang, and refusing to bang the unbangable was what got all those witches burned in Salem. That the darkest of metal minds is getting down on a regular basis makes me feel like maybe the world isn’t such a bad place after all.

Anyway, congrats to King Diamond. And to our readers, we urge you all to invent a sex move, name it after a Mercyful Fate song, and share in the comments.