Scare Tactics: Does Prog Metal Make You STERILE?!?!

Prog metal. For years, it has been a harmless way for jazz-loving music teachers to connect with their long-haired students.

UNTIL NOW. Recent studies have been released linking the performance of prog metal to STERILITY, IMPOTENCE, and even BALL DEATH. MetalSucks reveals the sick, harmful side effects of this insidious subgenre.

For some, prog metal is helpful in broadening one’s horizons while challenging traditional song structure and stylistic tropes. But what these unwitting players don’t know is that the human sperm is made CLINICALLY DEPRESSED by uncommon time signatures, clean and/or autotuned vocals, and sounds that remind one of an alien’s ghost, causing these precious reproductive cells to commit MASS SPERMICIDE.

Experiments conducted by reproductive health expert Dr. Reggie Caliente of the Tucson Grind One Out Family Planning Center have shown that the introduction of non-traditional sound patterns deeply infuriates sperm. Dr. Caliente revealed the following:

If we think about the typical rhythm of sex, we see a repetitive four-four smashing of the hips, which pleases the sperm into rocketing out of the testes and directly into Party Central. However, if one tries to do some sexin’ to the rhythm of, say, a Cynic song, the sperm become confused. They don’t know where the downbeat is, they can’t headbang right, and eventually they just say fuck it and kill themselves.

SO MEN: BEWARE. Though it might hide behind traditional metal imagery, prog metal is OUT THERE, and it wants to KILL YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN. If you have been experimenting with prog metal, look for some of the telltale warning signs of sperm degradation:

• Inability to get women interested in your band’s clean vocal breakdowns.
• Sudden attraction to skinny drummers with patchy facial hair.
• The scaling of one or several summits.
• “Dick tremor”.
• Finding yourself softly murmuring “Bah-didda-bah-BAH-didda-didda-BAH” or similar rhythms.

If you worry you have been affected by this TERRIBLE DISEASE, try one of the following remedies:

• Play songs in 4/4 with lyrics about the Devil.
• Eat a burger.
• Use a cool-looking logo that’s all spikey and wicked instead of some math class shit.
• Leeches!
• Mix the bass out of your music.

Don’t wait–ACT NOW. Otherwise, society’s continued fetishization of prog metal could KILL ALL SPERM, thus ENDING THE HUMAN RACE AS WE KNOW IT.