Alice Cooper Announces Spend The Night 2016 Spring Tour

In the dream, I hear a knocking noise at my window, and when I look out, there’s Alice Cooper, standing in the rain. His studded leather jacket and shirt featuring his own face are soaked, though his make-up is somehow immaculate. I wave him up, and he climbs the trellis to my bedroom. After I give him a towel and shush him — my parents might hear! — he looks me in the eyes and asks me if he can spend the night. And even though I know I shouldn’t, I say yes. I know what might happen. But tonight — finally — I’m ready.

So it was bittersweet today when I saw on Loudwire that Alice has announced his Spend The Night 2016 tour. On the one hand, it was like my dream was finally coming true. But then I looked over the dates — and no Denver? No Red Rocks? What the fuck, Alice? All the chubby metalheads in Merriville, IN, are cool enough to get a night with you, but you can’t commit to an evening of ribald passion out in the Rockies? I bought oysters for us, dude! It was gonna be fuckin’ magical. God, my mom warned me about this…

Anyway, if you can, spend the night with Alice at one of the following dates:

4/29 — Biloxi, Miss. — Beau Rivage Resort & Casino
5/2 — Nashville, Tenn. — TPAC’s Jackson Hall
5/4 — Peoria, Ill. — Peoria Civic Center
5/5 — Merrillville, Ind. — Star Plaza Theatre
5/6 — Columbus, Ohio — LC Pavilion
5/8 — Concord, N.C. — Carolina Rebellion
5/10 — New Brunswick, N.J. — State Theatre
5/12 — Port Chester, N.Y. — Capitol Theater
5/13 — Wilkes-Barre, Pa. — FM Kirby Center
5/14 — Lynn, Mass. — Lynn Memorial Auditorium
5/15 — Morristown, N.J. — Mayo Performing Arts Center
5/17 — Warren, Ohio — Packard Music Hall
5/20 — Pittsburgh, Pa. — Stage AE
5/21 — Rama, Ontario — Casino Rama Entertainment Center