Hip-Hop Fan/Total Stoner Chino Wongeno Reviews Riot Fest in Denver

Chino Wongeno is fanatical about hip-hop, not metal. He is also, however, fanatical about marijuana and the Deftones (“Yo I gotta support my boys from Sac Town! REPRESENT!”). He’s also one of our bestest friends in the whole world.

So when he told us he was hitting up Riot Fest in Denver last month, we asked him if he wouldn’t mind checking out some of the heavier bands and reviewing them for MetalSucks. He obliged us…

…via rambles recorded on his phone after each performance, while he was drunk and/or high.

The transcription of these rambles follows below. They have been edited for length and clarity (sort of).

Coheed and Cambria — Friday, August 28 – 10 p.m.

I really didn’t like Coheed, dude. I saw a lot of motherfuckers with Coheed t-shirts n’ shit and all these people were like, “Yo, dude, I wanna see Coheed!” and shit, and I was like, “Yo, dude, for real? What’s with this Coheed shit? Why is MetalSucks all about that Coheed shit?”

So I went to see ’em, and, dude… that Co’ shit’s kinda whack, man! It sounded like fuckin’ very pissed-off emo kids, dude. That shit is like screamo, man. But it was SO popular, it was SO popular, yo. There were mad fuckin’ Coheed fans.

But Co’ is fuckin’ lame.

System of a Down – Saturday, August 29 – 1 a.m.

They were off the hook, dog! I know I’m supposed to be giving, like, the hip-hop perspective and shit, but I’m a System fan, and System fuckin’ destroyed that shit, dude.

Yo dude, when you see this motherfucker Serj perform live — and I’m a karaoke fiend, dog, so I know — Serj’s key changes are CRAZY, yo. Key changes are fuckin’ CRAZY. One of the first songs was “B.Y.O.B.,” and I was high on 1024, the dopest weed in Denver, and then like two songs later, they did fuckin’ “Aerials” dude, and I’m not gonna fuck with you dude, to hear Serj [Tankian] sing about aerials in the sky when you’re high as shit… I was just like, “Oh, fuck man!”

I’d never seen System of a Down before, but it was some crazy shit. There were three, maybe four thousand people there, all singing along. During “Aerials,” they cut off the music, and EVERYBODY kept singing that shit. Shit was crazy, dude.

And they played song after song after song without ever talking or saying what the titles of the songs were on which album they were from. But then they were like “Yo dude, yo, this next song is called ‘Hypnotize.’” And that’s my favorite System song, dude! [Chino starts humming the song — then stops abruptly.] Nah, I don’t wanna get sued, dawg.

They closed with fuckin’, uh, with fuckin’ “Toxicity,” and, um… they played a lotta jams, dude. A lotta jams. A LOTTA jams.

It was a beautiful show.

GWAR – Saturday, August 29 – 4 p.m.

We arrived at three, not drunk yet, but incredibly stoned. So I go to GWAR, and I’m like, “Yo!”… I’ve never seen shit like this before. I mean I had known that GWAR are, like, all theatrical n’ shit, so I was expecting costumes, but… holy shit, dawg, I wasn’t expecting a full-on production… nor such crazy-ass fuckin’ subject matter. It was crazy shit, man.

The first song was mad tame compared to what they played later. I think the lyrics were, like, “I saw a body on the side of the road” or some shit? [He’s referring to the song “Bloodbath.” -Ed.] And it was, y’know, all metalled out. There were a lot of swords — giant, giant swords.

Later, some kinda, like, warlock comes out, and he’s holding a scepter and he has long white hair and a skull for a face and he’s riding, like, a giant fuckin’ inflatable snail inflatable thing. And he jumps on one of the amps and he’s like, “Yo, GWAR! Your fans are fuckin’ lame. I piss on your fans!” And motherfucker’s snail starts peeing on everybody. And I was like, “What the fuck! Yo, shit, I was NOT expecting that one!” Shit was hilarious, man.

Then one of the roadies comes out, and he’s all naked ‘cept for one of those Conan the Barbarian thongs, and he’s carrying this doll. I couldn’t figure out if it was a mutant child or a horribly disfigured little person or what — thing looked like fuckin’ Quato n’ shit. For some reason, it was wearing a white lab coat.

So the lead singer has udders, and the baby starts giving him an “udder job,” like a blowjob, but with udders. And the singer came all over the audience. (I was kinda close to the splash zone, but not quite.) And then the baby doll thingie says it’s in pain or some shit, and then red water starts shooting out of its ass, spraying the crowd. And motherfuckers in the front are just going nuts. They’re just getting drenched with cum and baby ass juice, and they’re just fuckin’ loving it. And this massive mosh pit breaks out, and there was all this dust, like a massive whirlwind of dust.

And I’m like, “What the fuck is this? This shit is mad fucked-up, yo!” I felt weird laughing, but shit was funny. It was entertaining.

Then they sang a song called “Baby Rape.” [We think he means “Raped at Birth.” -Ed.] Shit was disturbing man.

It was mad hot, too, dawg. GWAR finished fifteen minutes early. I don’t blame. I thought I was gonna pass out. I dunno how they all stayed up there with all that gear n’ shit.

After GWAR were done, I got really fucked up on beer, 1024, and corn dogs and watched Run-DMC. Those guys are damn near senior citizens, and they STILL got live!