Necessary Roughness: 2015-2016 NFL Pre-Season Predictions by Between the Buried and Me’s Paul Waggoner

I am SO bummed that this whole Deflategate saga has apparently ended. I REALLY wanted to hear more about the pissing contest between the NFL and Tom Brady for the next month and a half. Look, chances are the dude cheated. I find it hard to believe that he wasn’t at the very least aware that those balls were lacking the appropriate amount of air pressure. But the fact remains, they fixed the balls at halftime and Brady came out in the second half and proceeded to eviscerate the Colts defense like Guy Fieri eviscerates a disgusting pile of meat on Triple D.

The only difference is that I inexplicably keep watching Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives until about 4am, whereas I’m pretty sure I changed the channel (probably so I could start watching a five hour marathon of Triple D) during the Patriots spackling of the Colts. I really can’t stand Tom Brady. He’s just the kinda dude that’s hard to like unless you are Pats fan. He’s married to a supermodel, he’s one of the greatest QBs of all time, he’s married to a supermodel, he’s filthy ass rich, and he’s a gorgeous human being. If you were to design a perfect face, it would probably look like his. Or his wife’s. So, fuck that dude.

But also, fuck Roger Goodell. Talk about a dude who sucks… man, that guy just emanates douchebaggery at all times. I actually love that Tom Brady won that battle. Goodell is such an entitled prick and the fact that he is continually embarrassed on every appealed suspension in recent memory warms my heart like a garden shovel full of greasy ass chili warms Guy Fieri’s goatee on Triple D.

I’m not going to preview the 2015-2016 season division-by-division like I did last year, mainly because I’m trying desperately to figure out a way for the Nats to snatch the NL East from the Mets, but I’ll just make a couple pre-season predictions for y’all to stew on.

1) The Cowboys miss the playoffs. It’ll be a 2-horse race in the NFC East between them and the Eagles but the fact that Demarco Murray is gone — to Phill, no less — is huge. He was a major clock-eater for Dallas last year and was easily the most important factor in them having such a surprisingly great season. Chip Kelly has built the team he wants, and I think the Eagles are primed to have an 11 or 12-win season.

2) The Seahawks will waltz into the playoffs unabated, and the 49ers will be the worst team in the NFC West. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Rams make things interesting, but the Seahawks have a chance to get back to the Super Bowl. Again. Ugh.

3) The AFC North will be the most tightly contested division. To me, there is no clear cut dominant team here. Even the Browns could be in the mix, with a super winnable non-divisional schedule to start the season. Ultimately I think the Ravens have the most talent, but Marc Trestman is their 4th OC in as many seasons. We will see if Flacco and company can adjust yet again.

4) This is the Colts’ year. They are my pick to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. They are in the league’s weakest division and Andrew Luck is legit. Wouldn’t be shocked to see them finish the regular season with 13 or 14 wins.

5) The Panthers will go undefeated and be the first team in history to not give up a point the entire season. Not only will they win the Super Bowl, but they will also somehow end world poverty.

6) And finally, Triple D will do a special episode at Lambeau Field, wherein Guy Fieri uses a fire hose to fill the entire stadium with molten Wisconsin cheese, and somehow uses his famous “out of bounds” catchphrase in a way that actually relates to sports.

Let’s talk again next Monday after the Week 1 action!