Florida Doom Metal Fan Turns Himself In for Murdering His Imaginary Friend

Update, 1:35 pm: D’oh! We got trolled — this story was a hoax. Sorry about that.

The sad man you see above is a Florida resident named Geoff Gaylord, and if you’re wondering why he’s so bummed, it’s because he just killed his best friend. Which seems like a completely reasonable reason to be in tears… until you consider that Gaylord’s best friend was imaginary.

Random Enthusiasm reports that Gaylord turned himself into the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office (or, if you go by the caption on Gaylord’s mugshot, the Jackonville Sheriff’s Office) and demanded he be given the death penalty because, he claimed, he stabbed his friend, Mr. Happy (!!!), to death, chopped him up with a hatchet, and buried him his backyard. Although he said that Happy had been his “BFF” (no kidding, that is apparently a direct quote), Gaylord totally lost his shit after Happy became addicted to cocaine and alcohol, wrecked Gaylord’s apartment, and totaled Gaylord’s car. Wow, Mr. Happy sure does sound like a real dick!

Still, Gaylord recalled better times, when he and Happy were, well, happy: the two men (or, uh, “men”) were “both huge fans of doom metal [and] listened to it for hours with the lights turned off.” Gaylord didn’t cite any specific bands, but I’m betting he jammed a lot of Bloody Panda. Listening to that shit in a dark room for hours would make me lose my fucking mind and kill a delusion, too.

To the surprise of no one, police found drugs in Gaylord’s home. They also found a machine gun. So even if Gaylord doesn’t get the death penalty, he will, presumably, face punishment for his crimes.

And the moral of the story is, a friend who listen to thrash with the lights on is a friend who won’t murder you. Also, Bloody Panda are terrible.

Thanks: Chris A.