The Sixth Almost-Annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” Contest: Finalists Announced!!!
Last week, we launched our sixth almost-annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” contest, in which we challenged you, our beloved readers, to tell us why we suck for a chance to take over the site on Monday, April 13. As has been the case with every year, we had a whole lotta great entries, but we’ve narrowed ‘em down to eight finalists who made us laugh the hardest. They are, in alphabetical order: Talyn Allmetal, Between the Buried & Smee, Sam Blum, BurningBeard, Derek/Godless Angel, Guy Dudesman, Elvis in Your Ass, Max, MightyMe, and PhelmangelanceTort.
What happens next is up to you guys! You can read all the finalists’ entries below; then, anytime between now and midnight EST on Sunday, April 5, vote for who you think should take over MetalSucks for a day. We’ll announce the winner on Monday, April 6, and then it’s up to that winner to, y’know, do our job for us for twenty-four hours.
The voting ballot and the finalists’ entries below… good luck to all the finalists!!!
Finalists’ entries, in alphabetical order:
Talyn Allmetal
Metalsucks.net sucks because, well, Metal doesn’t. I can only imagine Vince and Axl sitting together on a stained couch in one of their Mother’s basements, grunting and giggling at each other like lamer versions of Beavis and Butthead over the idea of naming their blogsite MetalSucks. How clever we are! This idea rules. Huh huh, huh huh. And the constant updates on the worst band in the world come far too often and without necessity. The fact that Mick Thompson and his white trash family can’t get their shit together is not exactly news to me. Slipknot sucks. Metal blogs suck. You guys suck. That’s why you should pick me! \m/
Between the Buried & Smee
I, Smee, am officially announcing my candidacy for running MetalSucks for a day. Daily I come here and comment on every article about Slipknot’s mask or how Babymetal’s haters sucks. I almost bought a MetalSucks shirt before I realized that would be lame. I’m also pretty sure that I have been upvoted by Vince, Sergeant D, and Grim Kim, so I’m pretty much already one of you guys.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Do you have metal credibility?
A: I once made Karl Sanders from Nile sign my ticket stub at a concert. I also once tipped Grim Kim $2 when she was working Yob’s merch booth. I know someone who’s uncle used to be in Trouble AND Cathedral.
Q: How dedicated to this site are you?
A: Whenever anyone mentions “Axl,” I think they mean Axl Rosenberg before I realize they really mean Axl Rose.
Q: How good are you at guitar?
A: I can play most of Am I Evil? by Diamond Head.
Q: How physically strong are you?
A: Medium.
“Coach, put me in.”
-Smee
Sam Blum
This site sucks because it’s operated by jaded elitists who have long forgone valuable and insightful content in exchange for badly edited clickbait. Much like the reason for memes becoming famous, it’s much easier to link a tried and true Slipknot or Emmure article that you know will get clicks rather than produce new and exciting content. This site sucks because the users will click on those links rather than clicking on any attempt at unveiling a new or promising artist or story, either to call Axl an idiot or call Vince a pedophile. Therefore, this site sucks because its just a spiraling shit factory where the editors have no choice to post the same idiotic content about Attila or Babymetal over and over to maintain ad revenue; because we all will click on it.
BurningBeard
You guys mostly suck because this blog is one big troll to any and all actual, non-employed journalism majors. I am not one of those so IDGAF. If given control, I will make this shit site a 24 hour stream of pics and vids of my 2 kids and 2 dogs being ghey AF. VOTE 4 BurningBeard!
Derek/Godless Angel
i wrote a piece for another metal blog, so that might disqualify me. i’m also quite handsome and that would almost surely make me a pariah in Metalsucks Mansion. And i’m not very funny. Wait, when you say “funny” do you mean compared to the posts on Metalsucks or compared to stuff that’s actually funny? Because if it’s the former than i’m a shoo-in, the latter i might be in trouble. But I am famous (177 followers on FB!!), so that could be a plus! If even half of my followers checked out the site on my day it would be ten times the traffic Metalsucks usually gets. And we could give everybody cozies to mark the occasion! Well, Metalsucks could give them cozies. I can’t, I’m broke.
Guy Dudesman
As a long time reader, i’d love to run the site for the day, despite all of metalsucks shortcomings (Bad grammar, being a group of douchebags, etc) there’s still some decent content once in awhile. Given the chance to write for a day I’d love to give some exposure to some lesser known bands that deserve it, plus I’d love to follow up the great Magic The Gathering post we had from a previous time somebody was given a chance to run the site. Plus I used to write for a blog so I’m not completely illiterate (srsly tho). Although I will say at this point it’s almost pointless to have a “run my shitty blog so I can have a day off” contest because a bunch of your readers already went and started a blog that’s almost as good (sorry guys, it got boring for awhile, people got soft in the comment section, kinda like a big bro hug over there).
Elvis in Your Ass
The obvious choice would be Elvis In Your Ass. After a year of posting #AxlFacts, I think a day of articles with each having an aside of both old and new #AxlFacts would be grand! After all the crappy brooootal shit around this hole in the web; after all the horribly squeaky and shitty j-pop masquerading as metal (WTF are you bozos thinking posting that shit here?), a day of original Rage n’ Thrash alongside a fine helping of classic heavy fucking metal would be a step in the right direction.
I vow not to mention baby crap, or shitflop, or ‘tallica – the band formally known as Metallica. I will re-activate video and image embedding. Nothing will djent. Vote for me and I might just slip in a little bit of metal porn! Elvis in your ass! Try it, you might like it!
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Axl is the Village Idiot of his own Disenchanted Kingdom.
#AxlFacts
Max
MetalSucks sucks because it’s a cycle of dumb articles written by a bunch of jabronies which are then in turn read by a bunch of stupid people who drive traffic to the site and then write how much they hate it.
MightyMe
You all suck. If I am elected I vow to make it a djent free day.
Also, since all your content is dumb, I’ll fill it with articles on how Matias Nygård keeps his hair so beautiful (cum, the secret is cum), how annoying the members of Mastodon really are, why nobody cares about Skeletonwhich anymore and an exclusive pissing contest between Lars Ulrich and Dave Mustain to finally decide who do I hate more.
PhelmangelanceTort
The extent to which Metalsucks actually sucks can be proven quantitatively as “as much as curdled taint cheese infused Evan Williams poured through pus covered hyena pubecakes” by the Inverse Irony Axiom proposed by Sir Chillingsworth in 18th century Sri Lanka.
According to this principle, it is not possible to incur irony by self-imposition. In other words, it is actually impossible for Metalsucks to be good because by the fact that they say that they suck, it implies they are sucky, which implies they are good because they know they are sucky. The principle of reverse humility then entails that they cannot be good because if they think they are good then it cannot be ironic and THEREFORE if it is not ironic THEN they are shitty as they say. In conclusion, Metalsucks sucks like bathing in a cockroach filled tub of barbarian sweat.
