Van Halen To Become Van Ellen

Ho boy. To promote their new Live: Tokyo Dome In Concert album and their upcoming Greatest Hits tour, Van Halen are set to don their best pebbled leather and paisley suit vests and perform on The Ellen Degeneres Show.

According to the show’s website:

They are “what dreams are made of”… a legendary, “Unchained,” world renowned rock band that continues to tear up the stage four decades since their beginning. VAN HALEN is here! In a daytime exclusive, the California rockers will take over Ellen’s stage to perform one of their favorite songs as they embark on their Greatest Hits Tour!”

Jesus Christ. “The California rockers?” Does anyone not know who Van Halen is? Apparently, because the description goes on:

Nearly all of Van Halen’s albums have gone triple platinum, featuring iconic records like “You Really Got Me,” “Runnin’ with the Devil” and “Dancing in the Street.” Ellen and her audience will be dancing through the aisles when Van Halen brings the heat to the room!

…The “cradle will rock” this Thursday on Ellen!

To be fair, watching a crowd of over-smiley Ellen fans dance around to Van Halen has a cool sort of Faces Of Death quality to it. Then again, I’m not sure I want to be there when the “heat” gets brought. I have this mental image of getting ground on by a mom in jeggings.

Anyway, I bear no ill will towards Degeneres or her show, but I think we’ve all got to face the fact that still-active 1970’s hard and heavy rockers are soccer mom music now. Bands like Kiss and Van Halen may have once been questionably-satanic sex sirens, but now they’re purpose in life is to make that suburban cheddar.

The Van Halen  episode will air Thursday, April 2nd.