Stupid Neo-Glam Metal Band’s Press Release May Leave You Cross-Eyed

March 9th, 2015 at 3:30pm
Axl Rosenberg

I knew Scarlett Gypsy’s press release was going to be special the moment I saw the subject line, which a) makes no fucking sense whatsofucking ever, and b) contains a flat-out lie:

Meet Scarlett Gypsy and Their #1 Debut Album All Access is Dead-On Revival of 80s Glam Metal Rock

Now, I’m no English teacher, and Christ knows I make plenty of grammatical errors on this website each and every day, but HOLY SHIT, that sentence is a doozy. And it might be forgivable if English wasn’t the band’s first language… but they’re from York, PA. And wrote the press release themselves. And apparently didn’t bother to read it aloud or ask anyone who completed kindergarten to have a gander at it before they sent it out.

Which is to say nothing of the fact that their debut album, All Access, is not #1 on any chart anywhere, save for maybe “Bands Beloved by the Mommies of the Members of Scarlett Gypsy.”

(I guess it’s possible that they meant that All Access is their first debut album, which would be moronic for different, albeit just as obvious, reasons.)

The press release continues:

The Glam Metal Rock Band Scarlett Gypsy has garnered the attention of fans and critics alike with the unveiling of their eagerly awaited debut album – All Access – available now on Amazon, iTunes, CDbaby and Bandcamp.

Okay. That could have been better phrased, but it basically makes sense and gets the point across. So far, so good!

The bevy of sub-genres associated with glam metal and hard rock have often given birth to one-off bands and songs,

This phenomenon isn’t unique to glam metal and hard rock, but okay, I follow your meaning…

but rarely is there an entire band assembled with the primary purpose of getting in a room together to watch what happens when their respective creative juices blend into an album like All Access.

Wow. That sentence makes so little sense it’s almost a philosophical riddle unto itself.

So… if you’re specifying that “rarely is there an entire band assembled” to make “an album like All Access,” does that mean that there are frequently portions of bands assembled to make an album like All Access?

Are there bands that assemble with the secondary purpose of getting in a room together to watch what happens when their respective creative juices blend into an album like All Access? What are those bands’ primary purposes?

Do bands generally assemble with the primary purpose of not getting in a room together? In other words: who are these bands that are assembling for the purpose of disassembling?

Do bands rarely get in a room together to make an album like All Access because they’re usually trying to make an album that isn’t like All Access? Is Scarlett Gypsy under the impression that every band out there is trying really hard to make a glam metal album and just can’t figure how to do so? Are we to believe that Joe Duplantier is sitting in a room somewhere attempting to write “Unskinny Bop,” but for some reason the riffs keep sounding like “Flying Whales” and “Vacuity” instead?

Or do bands rarely get in a room together to make an album like All Access because no one has ever heard of All Access before and it’s quite difficult to aspire to do something similar to something you don’t even know exists?

Well, Scarlett Gypsy is one band that delivers it straight with the volume cranked up high.

What happens when the volume is cranked down low? Does their music become total bullshit?

Scarlett Gypsy was an up & coming rock band in 1991-1992 when the industry changed and left them behind.

Yeah, I’m sure if Nirvana had never taken off, Scarlett Gypsy would have become the biggest band in the world.

Beginning in 1991 as a highly admired Glam Metal Hard Rock Band, Scarlett Gypsy began taking on America

They BEGAN as a highly admired band? How the fuck does that happen?

Also… did you just say that beginning in 1991, they began? Huh?

as they journeyed the turbulent east coast early 90’s rock scene in the Philadelphia/South Jersey area.

So, they didn’t really begin beginning taking on America so much as they began beginning taking on the turbulent east coast early 90s rock scene, and they didn’t really begin beginning taking on the turbulent east coast early 90s rock scene so much as they began beginning taking on Philly and South Jersey. Uh, okay, but why didn’t they just begin by assembling to gather in a room and see what happens when their respective creative juices blend into an album like All Access? Isn’t that their primary purpose? What the fuck were they doing play live shows at this point?

Focusing on clubs like The Empire & The Galaxy that launched the careers of bands like Bon Jovi, Cinderella, Britney Fox, Heavens Edge and Tangier along with hometown hotspot The Tourist Inn that launch bands like Halestorm and Kix.

It’s good to know this unsuccessful band played venues that were also once played by successful bands. I dunno what the fuck it has to do with anything, but it’s good to know. Unrelated: MetalSucks is located on the same internet as multi-billion-dollar websites like Facebook and Google. Dunno why I felt compelled to mention that.

Fast-forward 20 years – the band reunites and immediately took Google+, Twitter and the rest of the internet by storm.

I think you and I have different definitions of what the idiom “to take by storm” mean, but okay.

Longing for their music to finally be heard, Scarlett Gypsy put a few songs to some of their concert footage and posted it on YouTube and within a few weeks had over 100,000 views on their Google+ page with fans requesting where they could buy the music.

“With fans requesting where they could buy the music” doesn’t fucking mean anything. Fans could ask where they could buy the music. Or they could request to know where they could buy the music. Or they could go to where they buy music and request a copy of All Access. But they could not request where they could buy the music. Unless maybe they’re Balki Bartokomous.

As all things that fade away seem to become fresh again someday, the band decided to independently release their first studio album internationally now available on Amazon, iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, CDbaby and Bandcamp.

It’s good that the band decided to independently release their first studio album internationally now and not independently release their first studio album internationally in 2018, because then this press release would be crazy pointless. Also, fuck commas, right?

Scarlett Gypsy is an American Rock Band

Thank you for specifying. Since most bands that spent the early 90s playing clubs in New Jersey and Philly were from Bratislava, I would never have guessed they were American from context.

originating from York, Pennsylvania with David Matthew on Lead Vocals,

Dave Matthews is in this band? OMG, that explains SO MUCH.

Steve Ray on Guitar & Vocals,

That makes me wanna revisit Texas Flood.

Frank Thomas on Bass and Scotty Scarlett on Drums & Vocals. Together these four combined

As opposed to “together these four apart”?

create a great new refreshing sound of old school rock

As opposed to “an old sound of new school rock”?

complete with blazing guitar riffs, melodic vocals and infectious hooks. The debut album delivers dynamic ballads and wild party rock’n choruses

Da fuck is a rock’n chorus? Is that a phrase people frequently use to describe songs that I’ve just never heard somehow?

for all new glam metal heads and rockers alike to enjoy.

Are glam metal heads and rockers usually at odds? I would think glam metal heads would be considered a subspecies of rockers, wouldn’t they?

Boldly combining elements of raw rock with glam fueled gritty guitar riffs, melodic vocals and all-around high-octane music,

1) We get it, you play glam rock, 2) that is the second time in three sentences that you’ve used the phrase “[adjective] guitar riffs,” 3) that is the second time in three sentences that you’ve used the phrase “melodic vocals.”