Exclusive Book Excerpt: Confessions of a Heretic by Behemoth’s Nergal

At last, the wait is almost over! March 19 will see the release of the English language translation of Confessions of a Heretic, the autobiography of Behemoth’s Adam “Nergal” Darski. Written with an assist from Mark Eglinton () and Krzysztof Azarewicz & Piotr Weltrowski, and presented entirely as a Q&A, Confessions of a Heretic will take you on a journey deeper inside the mind of always-controversial vocalist and guitarist than you ever thought possible. 

MetalSucks is thrilled to bring you an exclusive excerpt from the English translation of Confessions of a Heretic, which you can read below. You can learn more about the book here, and pre-order it here in advance of its March 19 release via Jawbone Press. Pre-ordered copies will be signed by Nergal himself, so don’t wait to buy yours!!! Enjoy!

Is there anything that terrifies you about the opposite sex?

The hidden side of women. And I mean in terms of character, not appearance.

A ‘Miss Hyde’ scenario?

Exactly. You meet somebody and at first you’re charmed, and then when it comes to an extreme situation, you find out what a bitch she can be. Nothing even foreshadows it. She is a true oasis of peace, she loves children and animals, and she’s empathetic … and then she suddenly explodes. She becomes mean and vindictive.

I’ve had a few situations like that. I’m stricken by the fact that you want to build something, you even think about children, joint property, and when you find yourself in a difficult situation, it turns out you knew nothing about the person you’ve been seeing.

How do you cope with those situations?

I look for support and understanding from my friends. I suppose that’s what everybody does. Sometimes they tell me something smart. Years ago, when one of my relationships was in the process of falling apart, I was on a tour in the States. I was sitting in a bar in Florida with David Vincent from Morbid Angel. Instead of relaxing and enjoying myself, I kept looking nervously at my phone and walking out to call the girl. She had some personal problems, and I was trying to keep her spirits up. The more I tried, the more she attacked me. Everything was heading in a very wrong direction.

Vincent, noticing I was pissed, looked at me and said, ‘You’re really tense. You got to chill out. If the reason is a woman, have dignity, as a man should. And remember: there are millions of them in the world.’ Years later, we met in Frankfurt. He reminded me of that night and asked if I remembered his words. I just smiled.

Are your relationships usually long?

My first one lasted three years. Others: from a few months to two years. Each of them comes with a huge dose of experiences. They have helped me mature. I don’t have any problem with looking back at my past for perspective. I made a lot of mistakes, but I learned my lessons, too.

Most girls I was with are still my friends, or even good friends, to this day. I’ve kept in touch with some of them; I sent a message to some of them after a few years. I often apologised, because sometimes it all fell apart because of me. But blame usually lies somewhere in the middle. After time, both sides see how they fucked up. But I was also with girls who will probably never learn what introspection is.

Do you like talking to women?

I’m constructed in such a way that I need to speak to someone constantly. I need to be stimulated; I need a brain boner. When I feel I can’t get to the core of a person, that’s not good.

Yes, but are you capable of showing your core?

The other person doesn’t necessarily have to understand my world, but they should at least tolerate and accept it. And they have to have their own world. Only then can the two sets superimpose and create common space. Everyone has his or her own labyrinths, created by life. We can invite people there, show them around, but they don’t really have to feel comfortable in there.

Let’s assume that I meet a girl who is an archaeologist. I don’t have to share her passion and go excavating with her. What’s important, though, is to express mutual interest, support each other, and give each other space. My parents don’t in any way understand what I do, but they have a sense of intuition that makes them calm. They know I’m no banker or lawyer, but they also know that I’m happy. My father doesn’t get my music, but he once said that what I do is useful. My music doesn’t contradict his way of life. Why shouldn’t the life of two people who want to live together be like that? It’s all about respect.

What do you mean by a ‘brain boner’?

If it doesn’t show up there, it won’t show down there either. I just can’t help it. When a woman is superficial and she has nothing to offer but her body, I immediately keep her at a distance. I can’t make a good face to a bad game. Some guys, if they want to get a girl, can manoeuvre around and put on masks. When I think that I would do that just so that I can put my dick in a hole by the end of the evening, I feel embarrassed.

I know that because I’ve tried it. Sometimes I even recognise it while it’s happening. Even during the ‘action’, I’d be thinking to myself, ‘Why are you doing this, you idiot?’ It’s the same with food. Once or twice a month, I eat some junk food. The first bite is fine, but after a while that characteristic papery taste shows up in my mouth, along with the nasty realisation that I’m putting shit in my stomach.

Women are the same. There have been quite a few great erotic situations where my brain has screamed, ‘Eject! Evacuate!’ I want to get home, or talk to a friend with a beer, as fast as possible.

Are Polish girls prudish?

A friend of mine recently got dumped by his girlfriend because he hit her in the face during sex. He’s no wife beater; they just went hardcore. It’s obvious that you can do that in bed. I was sitting with another friend and his girlfriend in a bar. Suddenly she jumped to her feet, and he gently patted her on the butt. She screamed at him. She made a scene, because she felt like a ‘servant’. Bullshit! It was simple flirtation. You can pat a strange woman on the butt, far less your girlfriend …

Strangers don’t get offended?

It depends. If she does, I immediately leave.

Are there any girls who can make you blush?

In Thailand, there was this situation when we were walking from bar to bar with the guys. Of course, suddenly—and it was two in the morning—I felt like getting a massage. I got addicted to those when I was in Thailand previously. And it wasn’t all about some erotic adventure, just simple relaxation. So I found a parlour on the way back to the hotel. They were just closing down, but they agreed to give me a massage.

I got into a room, undressed, and left only my underwear on. The masseuse looked at me and said, ‘Pants too.’ I was surprised, but she insisted. I’m not a shy guy, so I obediently undressed and lied down. She started massaging me. She stroked my penis, as if it was an accident. At first I didn’t notice anything erotic in it. I felt like I was at the doctor’s. A moment later, she did it again and giggled. I didn’t know what to think or say. By the third time, I had no doubts: the girl took my dick in her hands and asked, with a heavy Asian accent, ‘Massaaaaage?’

I was embarrassed, but for peace’s sake, I asked how much. I closed my eyes, and a moment later it was over. But I felt violated.

Some people go to Thailand specifically for adventures like that.

Not me. I like spending time there because it’s a beautiful country, something from a fairy tale. I’ve been there twice already, but that’s the only time something like that happened to me—maybe because I don’t visit brothels.