Faith No More Scalper Flap: Has MetalSucks Changed The Course Of History?

It’s a great time to be a Faith No More fan. But it’s bittersweet for all the despair that preceded this day. So I’d like to travel back to 2011 with a message for younger, slightly higher self: “Hang in there, stud, for all your FNM dreams will be reality. Stay alive, stay happy, the world is yours. And don’t sleep with Erika’s roommate.” Oh man, that would’ve saved me some wishing, pouting, and stitches.

Back then, I had no inkling that each of my many FNM demands would be met — but one by one, they have been: By 2011, I was wishing for their half-erect reunion to fully engorge; here in 2015, they’re doing a proper US tour (not just one-offs and fests). That same year, in one of the final entries of 31 Days Of Faith No More, our massive tongue-bath of Black Sabbath’s only successors, I made overtures about the release of a new FNM album; now we know that, against all odds, that will happen in a few short months. Yay!

And now, I’ve called the tune again: After Faith No More’s US tour on-sales were whammied by sophisticated ticket brokers, I teamed with an industry insider to detail how FNM themselves can take action to stem the bum rush. We discussed method of delivery, payment and ID verification, limits on transfers, and a bunch of aggressive countermeasures that FNM would’ve heard from any decent manager.

Maybe they heard me again, for tickets for the newly-added L.A. date on April 22 are tightly controlled, unlike each of the other shows. Here’s the short version:

You’re welcome, world! So let’s get down to cases: I’ll waive my fees for all that consulting and in exchange I shall be invited to join FNM as guitarist for all L.A. shows forever. For said shows, I’ll be fitted into four-legged jeans with Billy Gould. Ass to ass, of course.

View Faith No More tour dates here. Hear “Motherfucker” here, “Matador” here, and “Superhero” here.

Thanks: D.L.