Analysis: Tenacious D’s Grammy Win Makes Perfect Sense
Believe it or not, Tenacious D’s victory in the Best Metal Performance category at Sunday’s Grammy Awards is not illogical. On its face, sure, it appears to defy all rational thinking and to gob on the very spirit of rock ‘n roll that was conjured by AC/DC at the broadcast’s start. But say goodbye to your pain, to your hands-wringing wish for the Grammys to represent music, its celebration, and its advance. That’s just not how it is.
What the award represents is commerce and nothing else. And once fans like us go forward on this premise, then all things — even Jethro Tull — begin to make sense in the RIAA bizarro world where acoustic rock by two old comics is called the best of metal. Let’s go point by point, and see if we all feel calmer afterward:
1. The Grammys are not meaningless!
A look at the list of 2015 Grammy winners probably cause one thought to pop into the head of a serious music dude: This shit is bullshit. That’s a fair conclusion to draw from the results, that the voting system is flawed, that the nominations are random, that it’s a display of celebrity circle-jerk nepotism, whatever. I mean, sure, when you think over the great metal from 2014-ish, you definitely aren’t assailed by the thought of two hairy chubs and their serviceable Dio cover. But here and now, you must divorce yourself from these thoughts. The Grammys make perfect sense. The Grammys are advertisements.
2. The Grammys are part of an industry’s attempts to market itself and its wares — not a recognition of music’s achievements.
The Tenacious D situation is the dumbest, but let’s zero in on the clearest example of productive Grammying: Beck’s win for Album Of The Year. First, set aside the thought of backlash voting — in which academy members vote against megastars like Beyonce on principle — and for this discussion, just focus on what Beck’s win accomplishes: sales. A win for Beyonce doesn’t impact sales of recorded music as much as a win for Beck. Really! Beyonce already has sold 400 million copies of Fucknuts In Love and her fans are tuned in to watch the big show — so why on Earth would we cater to them (further)? Nope, as Grammys boss I’d engage would-be fans of, say, a doe-eyed Scientologist who dresses like a Silver Lake homeless. That type will scratch their heads, opt in for this reportedly awesome Beck album, and open those wallets. Boom.
3. Tenacious D represents (the possibility of) sales.
Of Motorhead, Anthrax, Mastodon, Tenacious D, and Slipknot, which is most likely to be purchased by the largest number of shoppers? That’s right: Tenacious D. By a mile! Yet even they aren’t blockbuster — still their appeal spans demos and piggybacks on Hollywood movie power. (Ie. They’re big enough to land among five new movie options in middle America.) Slipknot is bigger than their numbers, Mastodon has tastemaker cache, and the other two are fading legends — so, few outside of the genre’s followers would buy that shit ever. Even Tenacious D is no slam dunk, but the duo’s dumb records are most likely to generate money for the recording industry. Licensing, merch, downloads — this is the Grammys endgame.
4. Business is business, don’t freak out :)
At this point, you might be poised to Twitter me an angry thought: Hey Anso, why are we analyzing dumb shit like the Grammys?! My reply: In an attempt to salve the asspain that now plagues my loved ones. If this little retort helps just one buttraging dude in our world, then it’s worth this space and our time. So here’s where I repeat: The Grammy for Tenacious D is no injustice, it’s not a symbol of the Grammys’ obsolescence and cluelessness — it’s the exact opposite. The award only claims to single out the year’s best, while its tangible result is to power sales. Like a light beer that claims blue ribbons, it’s insidious marketing, it’s American business, and no one is obligated to decode it for you. Don’t fall for it and don’t will a change to its nature. Fuck that.
For you can agree that no business would use their biggest stage to spread awareness of their niche product (even Mastodon, especially Anthrax) that’s desired by a tiny but noisy customer base, like if McDonald’s launched a major campaign to trumpet the glory of their straws that are so popular with the local indigent. Nor would an industry’s huge marquee event devote more than token acknowledgement to their tentpoles, their no-brainer blockbusters like Beyonce — just as a big Oscar never lands on the mantle of Michael Bay. Instead, they’ll shepherd their potential “growers” to a resistant but pliable and huge audience. They’ll convey Beck’s products to the consciousness of demos that buy popular stuff and that like to investigate buzzy artists — even the shoppers who purport to ignore big sellers as a matter of policy. That — not “best metal” or whatever — is the honor now bestowed on Tenacious D: the nominee with the biggest potential for profit for this industry of the desperate. It makes perfect sense. It is business :)
5. There is no bad publicity
Know what generates hits on websites? Editorials by and for offended dudes about the injustices perpetrated against them and their favorite artists. Know what those dudes see upon arrival at websites? Ads for recording industry products now on sale. Know who has products on sale now? Mastodon, Slipknot, and every other artist that made better music than Tenacious D’s limp cover of a Dio classic. Know who makes money from sales of those products? The RIAA and their Grammys. All is as it should be, friends.
