How To Get Laid By Playing in a Band

I first stumbled upon ReturnofKings.com on what I initially thought was a satirical, Sergeant D-like article about why girls with tattoos and piercings are broken. When I started reading further into the site I realized that it’s 100% serious, and most of the content there is written by incredibly insecure, conservative men who attempt to inflate their sense of self worth by claiming that young, white males in America have it really tough, all the while masquerading as being liberated “red pillers” unafraid to share the “truth.” So yeah, fuck that site. If that makes me an SJW, so be it!

But I admit that this new article called “How To Get Laid by Playing in a Band” is pretty funny, even if it isn’t trying to be. If you’re a man in a band for all the wrong reasons, maybe this article contains some pointers you can follow. Most notably:

3. Don’t be in a metal band

I have absolutely nothing against metalheads, but it’s generally true that the crowd at metal gigs tends to be an overwhelming sausage fest.  Unless you’re looking to pull a hairy guy in black, consider another genre.

Unfortunately we all know this too well.

Another thing you shouldn’t try doing if you’re in a metal band: making money.

“Metal: The official musical genre for the hopelessly horny and broke.”