Listen: Theories’ “Decay” of Regression

You may know that on Sunday, Seattle’s NFL team advanced to the Super Bowl thanks to a biblical pants-shitting by their opponents from Green Bay, Wisconsin. In the days before the big game, a Green Bay-area radio station declared its support by removing Seattle’s rock bands from its playlist; to counter that hex, the mayor of a town near Seattle issued an executive order banning the consumption of cheese. All in good fun, for sure, but should we fear escalation? Next season, will the match-up of these teams spur a spate of sabotage aimed at crippling the latte industry and a retaliatory fatwa issued against the Steve Miller Band? Will overweight beer guzzlers be spat on at Alice In Chains shows? Will the space needle be sawed down at its base and replaced with a middle finger made of yellow and green foam?

Like me, you’re thinking, “Let them devour each other. It’s none of my business.” But what stops you dead in your tracks is the prospect of Seattle band Theories getting caught in the crossfire. The problem is that they rip — their vibe about colorful guitars vs. brutality is magic — so a disgruntled Dairy Stater would be right to target them. I’d like to see them try to ban Theories. They’d have to pry the new Theories jam “Cycle Of Decay” (below) from my cold, dead hands! Which I’d cover in feces. lol They’re that good!

Theories’ debut album Regression is out March 25 via Metal Blade. Pre-order here and here.