The Hell Wrote a Letter to Santa, Also Wrote the Best Metal Song of 2014

We love The Hell because they take the piss out of metal and call other bands out on their stupid bullshit. They told metalcore bands to fuck off, they broke up then got back together in a matter of minutes to lampoon the inevitability of reunions these days, and they took a certain shitty deathcore band to task for the faked disappearance of their vocalist in the name of PR.

More bands would probably be doing shit like this if their identities were a secret too, and frankly I’m kinda shocked no one’s outed The Hell’s members yet… or maybe they just don’t give a fuck because they’re not a “real” band and they’ve got nothing to lose.

Anyhoo: NAIL$ of The Hell wrote a letter to Santa this year, posted via Metal Hammer, in which the mouthy vocalist pokes fun at Spineshank Punk Goes Pop compilations and, once again, haircut metalcore bands:

DEAR SANTA

HOPE YOU’RE WELL YOU FUCKING LAZY DICKHEAD.

I’VE BEEN REALLY FUCKING GOOD THIS YEAR AND REALLY FUCKING NICE TO EVERYONE SO HERE IS WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS:

1) ONE OF THOSE “PUNK GOES…” COMPILATIONS. PREFERABLY “PUNK GOES AWAY FOREVER”.

2) A $200 VIP MEET-AND-GREET TICKET UPGRADE FOR SOME TRANSIENT, GARBAGEY HAIRCUT BAND SO I CAN VOMIT ALL OVER THEM.

3) A SPINESHANK REUNION TO PROVE THAT IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW SHIT YOU ARE OR HOW LITTLE PEOPLE CARED THE FIRST TIME ROUND: IN 2014, OLD = GOOD.

4) THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE TO STOP BEING FUCKING SWEATY BELLENDS: DAILY MAIL, RACISTS, SEXISTS, HOMOPHOBES, KEYBOARD PLAYERS, PEOPLE WHO LIKE INSANE CLOWN POSSE, PRETTY MUCH FUCKING EVERYONE ACTUALLY.

5) A DICTIONARY OF SWEAR WORDS FOR ALBUM THREE.

6) BRIEFCASES FOR ALL OF OUR MONEY.

7) NERF GUN.

THANKS SANTA YOU PRICK

NAIL$

Let’s take this opportunity to reflect on “Everybody Dies,” a song I’d somehow missed (despite the fact that we posted it) until Chuck and Godless played it on last week’s episode of the MetalSucks Podcast. Pure brilliance! Enjoy.