If Metal Bands Were Holidays…

Metallica Day

Metallica Day is celebrated in three parts. In the morning, one is awoken with by someone who would normally be way out of his or her league, who will then provide both breakfast in bed and multiple orgasms. In the afternoon, a more traditional, but still much-desired, gift is given (e.g., electronics, jewelry, etc.). Metallica Day concludes with a gift that is both boring and poorly-made (e.g., socks with holes in them, a sweater several sizes too small, etc.). Every third Metallica Day is also St. Anger Day, in which the evening gift is surgery without anesthesia.

Black Sabbath

From sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday, followers of Black Sabbath cannot work, utilize electronics, make buttons, sing or key, or show loyalty to their peers; additionally, they are only allowed to move via frog-hopping.

Slipknhanukkah

Slipknhanukkah is celebrated for nine nights. At sundown, the family gathers around the maggorah and lights camel dung. They then adorn costumes and take to the streets, where they speak incoherentl, but at great length, with anyone willing to listen.

Emmureaster

On this day, Decepticons pay homage to our alien creators by smoking marijuana and playing Street Fighter for twenty-four straight hours.

In This Momlent

Men are not allowed to show any part of their face, save for their eyes, nor speak, for forty days and forty nights. Furthermore, women must wear the skimpiest outfits available, but may speak only under the condition that they express disgust with all the men who ogle them.

For Today-day

In which the devout allow cement to dry around their feet before jumping into the ocean and praying for God to save them.

Malevolent Christmation

Gather around the fire, enjoy a delicious glass of chocolate milk, and see who can use the most racial epithets before the celebration is over.

Passoverkill

A traditional Passoverkill sedar includes such activities as the denial of the cross, the reading of one’s horrorscope, recalling the years of decay, and, of course, the imparting of drunken wisdom.

Slayher

Celebrated by a group that is really more of a cult than a religion, Slayher is the monthly period during which a woman rains blood.

Ashes in Your Mouth Wednesday

Atone for your sins by painting the letter “M” for Megadeth in ash on your tongue.

Suffokkotion

For one week, the observant must live in a temporary dwelling made from vegetables, where they can listen to nothing but Suffocation.

Angus Young Kippur

For this Day of Atonement, one must dress like a school boy and raise his or her knees all the way up to his or her chest while walking.

Rosh Hashamonamarth

The viking new year traditionally involves great amounts of mead, as well as the destruction of all shaving equipment.

Purimmolation

You’re supposed to tell some story and wear some costume for this holiday, but most people who celebrate really just sit around eating traditional Purimmolation holiday cookies, known as hamenthraschen.

Ramadown

While fasting from dawn until sunset, Down fans refrain from listening to that band, drinking alcoholic beverages, smoking weed, and engaging in sexual relations.

Living Kwanzaa

Traditionally a holiday observed by those of African descent, during which the contributions of Living Colour unto the world are celebrated.

Guy Fawzowyk Day

Celebrated exclusively in the Massachusetts region, this holiday involves wearing masks which resemble The Red Chord’s Guy Kozowyk, while searching for black Santas off of whose list you can cross yourself and/or your friends.