Mark for War: Dark Match

You know what every non-wrestling website needs? That’s right, a wrestling column.

That’s where I come in.

Hi, my name’s Eddie Gobbo and I will now be the resident wrestling writer for MetalSucks. In case you couldn’t tell, this column’s title, “Mark for War,” is both a wrestling pun and Pantera pun (ha. ha. ha. ha. ha……..).

We light the candle on this next week. So, before we go full tilt, I thought I’d post some answers to potential FAQs you may have. Such as:

Who is this guy?

I’m the singer in Jar’d Loose, so you may have seen me in your town. I’m also a promoter in Chicago and have been booking all things heavy for a decade-plus now. If you’re in a band that tours, I’ve probably booked your band out here. Besides screaming and promoting I, you guessed it, DJ as well. So yeah, my free time is filled with a bunch of nonsensical activities that only those who are involved in or give a fuck about respect. Add this to the list.

This is a metal website, right? Why is some guy writing about wrestling on here?

Interesting fact: Most people who like metal hate wrestling, but most people that like wrestling love metal. This column is meant for the latter.

If you want me to get all Chuck Klosterman with it, I’m actually a firm believer that Wrestling wouldn’t look, sound, or smell like it does today had it not been for Rock music. If KISS hadn’t been as successful as they were in the late 70s, would Vince McMahon have thought that larger-than-life characters with crazy outfits, fake names, makeup, and maniacal personalities would have worked with wrestling in the early 80s? Would Michael Hickenbottom have changed his name to Shawn Michaels if Bret Michaels wasn’t one of the biggest rock stars in the world at the time? Also, does anyone else notice that bands, oddly enough, can be easily paralleled to wrestlers, and vice versa? There’s the overrated, the underrated, the mainstream, the cult-followed, the way-bigger-than-they-should-be, and those that never got their big break. And, of course, there are the ones that have died in weird ways. Most importantly, there’s the inescapable. In both worlds, those are basically “the greats.” They remain revered, their work holds up and is still celebrated, and they influence (and are sometimes blatantly ripped-off by) future generations.

Does this guy even know anything about wrestling?

I just turned 30, which means I’ve been watching wrestling for 30 years and 9 months. My Mother watched it while she was pregnant. She also smoked while she was pregnant.

Is this guy a current or ex-wrestler?

Well, in high School we made this thing called the OWF (Outdoor Wrestling Federation) and used to beat the hell out of each other while Rage Against the Machine blared in the background and we filmed it. So, yes.

Well, I only like indie wrestling, and this guy’s probably only gonna talk mainstream bullshit.

Wrong. I love indie wrestling and will talk about it on the regular.

Well, I only like old school wrestling, and this guy’s gonna only talk about the new shit that sucks.

Wrong. I will LITERALLY talk about old school wrestling EVERY WEEK.

Even ECW?

Yes.

Japan?

Yes.

Lucha Libre?

Yes.

JCW?

Eh…

UFC?

No.

Do you collect wrestling figures?

Yes. Only in the box from 1998 or before.

The approximate worth of your wrestling DVD/VHS collection?

$10,000.

The approximate worth of your wrestling DVD/VHS collection post-WWE network?

$300.

Is this guy qualified to write about things on the internet?

Nope.

When should I read this column?

At work or while driving.

What day does this column get posted?

The day Forrest Gump’s mother died.

But my girlfriend doesn’t like when I watch wrestling…

Does she watch True Blood, reality shows, TV judge shows, or basically anything else on TV? If so, tell her to fuck off.

But my boyfriend doesn’t like when I watch wrestling…

You have a boyfriend?

All kidding aside, every week this should be a good read for wrestling fans. Like, a really good read. I personally think wrestling blogs for the most part suck. Many of them are fluff sandwiches between two pieces of shtick. This column will not, for the most part, be one of those. I vow to never say things like, “I think (so and so) will have a big year,” or “Only time will tell.” I will keep “Next World Champ” talk to a minimum. And most importantly, I will not crowbar in, “Woooooooooo!” or any other cliché gimmicks for no reason whatsoever. I also plan on brushing shoulders with a lot of dudes in bands that are fans. There’s a lot of them I’ve had the pleasure of marking out with over the years, and many I still do. I’ll throw them under the bus with me.

Love to hear any feedback throughout all of this. See you next week when we kick this off like the first WCW Nitro from the Mall of America!