A Sh*tstain on the Ass of the Universe, #30: The Bad Chapter

Oh, Sergeant D. — will you ever not know how to draw us in?

I woke up on saw this headline on The Sarge’s Stuff You Will Hate:

If u wish there was a band that sounded like ISSUES meets ATTILA, check these guys out

Of course, no, no eye never wish there was a band that sounded like ISSUES meets ATTILA. I mean, the headline might as well have said:

If u wish there was a disease that felt like CANCER meets PARKINSON’S, inject yourself with this

Still, total masochist that I am, I knew, based on D.’s description, that I had to listen to the band for myself.

So.

Hey, I give The Bad Chapter credit for having a fairly original, although ultimately still pretty boring, lyric video.

I do not give them credit for anything else.

Although the lyrics aren’t about heartbreak*, the band more or less otherwise conforms to every awful cliché outlined by Nails from The Hell in the open letter to metalcore he wrote earlier this week (via The PRP):

DEAR METALCORE,

JUST FUCK OFF.

I AM WRITING YOU THIS AS AN OPEN LETTER, NOT BECAUSE I AM TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO SAY IT TO YOUR FACE, BUT BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND YOUR FUCKING ADDRESS IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

PLEASE STOP. NO ONE FUCKING CARES ANY MORE. IT’S DIFFICULT TO WORK OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM ANYONE. I SAW A FEW METALCORE BANDS OVER THE SUMMER AND I’VE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING FURIOUS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. THESE GUYS GET UP ON STAGE, SHOUTING “WHICH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IS READY FOR A GOOD FUCKING TIME”, AND THEN PROCEED TO SCREAM EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY ROMANTIC FAILURE THEY’VE EVER HAD. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT MATE. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DO WANT TO HEAR IT ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE INTERESTED IN SHIT LIKE CRYING AND FLOWERS.

A TIP FROM THE TOP THOUGH, IT WOULD BE EASIER TO STOMACH YOUR OVERLY-SENTIMENTAL, GROTESQUE CIRCUS OF HEARTBREAK IF YOU WEREN’T SELLING T-SHIRTS TO PRE-TEENS THAT LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF SWEARY, MISOGYNIST VERSION OF ADVENTURE TIME.

YOU’RE CONFUSED, METALCORE. IT’S ALMOST UPSETTING. TAKE ‘ALONE‘ BY FALLING IN REVERSE. IT’S CLASSIC METALCORE. VERSES ABOUT HOW YOU’RE SHAGGING MY HYPOTHETICAL WIFE, THEN A (BEAUTIFULLY SUNG) CHORUS ABOUT HOW YOU’RE FED UP OF BEING ALONE AND YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT HOME AND NO ONE’S ON THE PHONE AND DIAL TONE AND PAYDAY LOAN. JUST FUCK OFF.

SO METALCORE, TO AVOID FUTURE HEARTBREAK AND TO SPARE US ANY MORE METALCORE ALBUMS – STOP BEING SUCH A CUNT.

YOURS SINCERELY (AND WE ARE ALWAYS SINCERE),
NAILS
THE HELL

I actually take issue with one part of Nails’ letter: the part where he say the clean vocals are “beautifully sung.” I mean, is it still singing if a producer has to come in with his computer to make sure it doesn’t sound like an alpaca suffering from bloody diarrhea?

ANYWAY, if you hate yourself, listen to this. This band will probably be huge in a year.

*Instead of fretting over a significant other, the frontman frets about having “wasted my youth.” Meanwhile, these dudes look like they’re, what, maybe twenty-five? Your youth hasn’t been wasted yet, dude! There’s still time! STOP MAKING TERRIBLE MUSIC AND GO TO DENTAL SCHOOL OR WHATEVER NOW!!!