Friday 5: Just For Men

Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome back to MetalSucks Friday 5, our new series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the list of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of the five best/worst/weirdest/whatever somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors (or by one of our buds like you?). Then our cherished readers check it out, have a chuckle, then chime in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. Last time was awesome, let’s party more :)

THE FIVE

The Five Metal Guys You Would Be Gay With

THE LISTER

Anso DF, MetalSucks Senior Editor

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1. Nergal
from Behemoth

In the news this week was Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford lauding two dudes in extreme metal for their recent coming out. It’s a fuck-yeah moment all around, and ya hope that by now each musician in metal hears loud and clear that, for fans, the issue is decided. (Sure, there are a few holdouts among us, but fuck them.) That is, we love our metal people and by extension we want their wangs to be happy, which maybe is tough to achieve in secret. So, hey, don’t belittle us by keeping it secret on our account. Deal? Sweet.

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2. Devin Townsend
from Devin Townsend Project, ex-Strapping Young Lad

For the purposes of today’s discussion, though, let’s imagine a dystopian America in the year 2180 in which the race of heavy metal people has been banished to a desolate island off the coast of Florida. For want of eligible partners, some straight men, y’know, kinda partner up with other straight men. In that scenario, I call Nergal (abs) and Devin Townsend (guitar lessons).

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3. Nuno Bettencourt
from Extreme, Rihanna

Now, if Nergal and Townsend get paired with two of our race’s last remaining females, then I might float the idea to Nuno Bettencourt and take out my contacts.

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4. Paul Masvidal
from Cynic, ex-Death, Death To All

As of May, Paul Masvidal, MetalSucks contributor and friend, is the third or fourth dude in metal to be openly gay. Which is a good start but still, each has come out only after we’d known them for, like, decades. So on one hand I’m hurt by the evasion, but on the other hand Masvidal is a catch!

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5. Chino Moreno
from Deftones, Team Sleep, Palms, Crosses

Look, let’s admit that most of us have fantasies of being Moreno’s Linda McCartney. It’s out there now, a fact of life, just deal.

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Your turn! Have an awesome wknd!