Frankie Palmeri is Sad That No One Remembers His Birthday

In a new interview, Frankie Palmeri was asked about “The Hang Up,” one of the songs on Emmure’s new album. The song, it seems, is directed at certain other musicians in the metal scene today. Says Frankie:

“I won’t publicly address who inspired the song. But it’s a way of tipping my hat to a certain peer of mine. And it’s also a big fuck you to every one of my peers as well. They’re a bunch of fakers who get on stage screaming about their fake problems. Guys with full time girlfriends and dogs and families who remember their birthday. They can all step the fuck off. I don’t think every band I hear is a bunch of fakers. But I know who the fakers are and that song is directed towards them.”

I don’t take issue with Frankie writing a song about “fakers,” but his definition of what constitutes a “faker” is pretty hilarious. I guess I fit the mold, because I have a dog and my family remembers my birthday. Vince is a faker, too, because he’s married, and his family also remembers his birthday. But it goes without saying that Frankie would classify us as “fakers.” Here are some far more notable members of the metal community who are (or were) also fakers according to Frankie:

• At least half of Pig Destroyer (Scott Hull and J.R. Hayes are both married, which I assume counts as “having a regular girlfriend”)
• Angela Gossow and Michael Amott currently/formerly from Arch Enemy (married)
• Ben Weinman from The Dillinger Escape Plan (married I believe, definitely a dog owner)
• Jacob Bannon from Converge (married)
• Every member of Metallica (married, some may own dogs, I’m not sure)
• Every member of Lamb of God (married, some may own dogs, I’m not sure)
• Most, if not all, members of Slayer (including the late Jeff Hanneman) (married)
• Multiple members of Mastodon (married)
• Maynard James Keenan from Tool and A Perfect Circle (dog owner)
• Ozzy (married, kids)
• The dudes from Enslaved (married, kids)
• Dave Mustaine from Megadeth (married, kids)
• Scott Ian from Anthrax (married, kid)
• Robb Flynn from Machine Head (married, kids)
• Mike Schleibaum from Darkest Hour (married, kids)
• Corey Taylor from Slipknot and Stone Sour (married)
• James Malone from Arsis (married)
• Jimmy Bower from Eyehategod and Down (married)
• George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher from Cannibal Corpse (married)
• Mark Hunter from Chimaira (regular girlfriend + dog owner)
• Zakk Wylde (married with kids)
• Dime (was with girlfriend Rita Haney for years before he died)

Also, I dunno if he still does or not, but I know Frankie’s hero, Fred Durst,  used to have a dog because a friend of mine actually had a funny story involving meeting Durst at a pet store. Also because there are photos of it on the internet.

Now, I’m not a fan of all of these musicians. But the fact remains that, by Frankie’s definition, none of them should be allowed to play metal anymore. None of them have any right to experience any negative emotions, nor the right to purge those emotions via extreme music, because they are in monogamous relationships and/or own pets and/or their birthdays are rarely, if ever, forgotten by loved ones.

Sure. That makes perfect sense.

ANYWAY, Frankie’s birthday is June 12. Please mark it down in your calendar and remember to wish the dude a happy birthday this year. Maybe it will finally put a stop to Emmure!

[via The PRP]