Necessary Roughness: Super Bowl Slaughter

Welcome lunkheads and fuck-nuts, people who live in mud-huts, perverted priests and fucking sluts, and everybody else with their heads up their butts. Welcome to the latest edition of your (least) favorite football column, where I seem to specialize in pissing people off and eating great, greasy bowls of steaming dick and balls. It’s starting to seem like I do this on purpose, ya know… make shitty comments about teams and people, only to have them publicly crush my petty rebukes and force me to gulp down bowl after bowl of scabby, crabby, cock-infested bowls of poorly cooked genitals. It’s like I enjoy it or something!

So let’s just get this over with: “Oh, waiter in Seattle? Could I order a bowl of Seahawk penis?” Because after the complete devastation of the Denver Broncos what else could I eat, especially after my last rant about Richard Sherman. Which is still kinda weird… I mean, he admits that he “went too far” with his comments, yet anyone who criticized him for it got a complete ass-reaming. Like I did from many of you. What offended me about that whole episode was that it made it all about one player when what we have here with the Seahawks is an entire team that has become the most awesome force in the league. I have never seen such a staggering beat-down laid on a team in a Super Bowl as what the Seahawks did to the Broncos on Sunday. From the very first play of the game the Broncos began a blooper-reel of inept play that made the much-hyped “best offense vs. the best defense” one of the most staggering blow-outs in Super Bowl history. Oh, wait a second, the waiter is here…

What? Well, this is bad news. They do have steaming dick on the menu, but the only way they serve it is by hurling the severed dicks across the length of the restaurant, like they do with the fish in that one spot. And I have to catch them with my mouth, and Richard Sherman is throwing them at me. In fact, here comes the first one right now… and it’s an expert throw, as these guys serve a lot of dick in here. But still I manage to blow it (haw haw), and the scalding penis hits me right in the face, leaving the perfect imprint of a penis broiled onto my cheek, with the head and shaft pointing directly at my mouth. It’s the most pain a penis has inflicted on me since the first time I was gang-raped by rodeo clowns.

But enough of that. Congrats to the Seattle Seahawks and their fans for crushing the almost-legendary comeback of Peyton Manning, humiliating the Denver Broncos, and becoming the completely dominating franchise that they are. Maybe the scariest thing about the Seahawks is the fact that they are led by a QB who is only in his second year. And there is a little joy for me in that as QB Russell Wilson is a Richmond, VA homeboy. The Seahawks victory was so complete, their defense so suffocating, their offense so explosive, and finally their fans so awesome that I think we are going to be seeing this scene repeat itself over and over again, much in the same way that Richard Sherman is repeatedly hurling boiling penis at me. And I think they went and changed the rules here… I mean, I swear that these aren’t just human dicks they are throwing at me, they are using dicks of all description and size, like for instance this elephant cock that just took out my entire table. The Seahawks have “dynasty” stamped all over them, much in the same way that I have penis-shaped burn scars stamped all over my face and neck. Enjoy your victory, Seattle. Even though they knocked my beloved ‘Skins out of the playoffs the last two times we got there, tearing off RG III’s leg in the process, I have replaced my petty feelings of jealousy with a deep respect for a team that defines what a successful modern N.F.L. franchise has to be in order to stay that way.

And so ends my third season as your faithful wannabe sports columnist. I’d write more about the whole Super Bowl experience and how horrible it was for anyone except a Seattle fan, but I am down to 4% battery life and Richard Sherman still has an entire walk-in freezer of dicks to throw at me. Enjoy it, Seattle… I have a feeling you may be throwing a similar party next year, and possibly for many more after that. See ya next season!