Mötley Crüe Announce Farewell Tour, Plan to Sue Themselves if They Don’t Retire

Another rumor that isn’t really a rumor was verified yesterday: Mötley Crüe will, indeed, be embarking on what they’re calling their farewell tour this summer, and support will, indeed, come from Alice Cooper.

Okay. Like I said. No big surprise.

But here’s where things get, well, silly.

See, the band knows that fans probably won’t believe this is their farewell tour, because artists renege on their retirements all the time (I remember being really upset when I couldn’t go to Ozzy’s “No More Tours” trek in 1993… until he began “The Retirement Sucks Tour” in 1995). So The Crüe have taken steps to make sure that everyone believes they’re really throwing in the towel: at the press conference announcing the tour, the band signed a  Cessation of Touring Agreement, which, according to Classic Rock, “ensures the band can’t come back after the end of 2015,” lest they be sued.

But sued by WHOM, exactly? I suppose the world we live in is crazy enough that fans might file some kind of class action lawsuit against Mötley Crüe if they violate the agreement, but unless people really feel motivated/greedy enough to go to all that trouble (against a band they presumably love, no less), and, well… the Cessation of Touring Agreement is pretty meaningless, because there isn’t a party involved that actually wants the band to retire. They don’t really have to worry about getting sued because there’s no one to sue them. The agreement, in other words, was just a PR stunt, and a totally-nonsensical one at that.

ANYWAY, whatever, I guess. Even with the band’s members all in their fifties and sixties and Vince Neil being too fat to breathe and Tommy Lee shouting “YEAH, BOYYYYYYYYEEEE!” every ten seconds and Mick Mars turning into a statue before our very eyes,  Mötley Crüe know how to put on a fun show. Here are tour dates dates, via Metal Insider:

7/02 Grand Rapids, MI @ Van Andel Arena
7/04 Milwaukee, WI @ Summerfest
7/05 Noblesville, IN @ Klipsch Music Center
7/06 Cincinnati, OH @ Riverbend Music Center
7/08 Columbus, OH @ Schottenstein Center
7/09 Maryland Heights, MO @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
7/11 Des Moines, IA @ Wells Fargo Arena
7/12 Wichita, KS @ Intrust Bank Arena
7/13 Tulsa, OK @ Bok Center
7/15 Cedar Park, TX @ Cedar Park Center
7/16 Dallas, TX @ Gexa Energy Pavilion
7/18 Albuquerque, NM @ Isleta Amphitheater
7/19 Phoenix, AZ @ Ak-Chin
7/21 Los Angeles, CA @ Hollywood Bowl
7/22 Irvine, CA @ Verizon Wireless Ampitheatre
7/23 Mountain View, CA @ Shoreline Ampitheatre
7/25 Reno, NV @ Reno Events Center
7/26 Ridgefield, WA @ Sleep County Ampitheater
7/27 Auburn, WA @ White River Ampitheater
7/29 Chula Vista, CA @ Sleep Train Ampitheater
8/01 Salt Lake City, UT @ Usana Ampitheatre
8/02 Denver, CO @ Pepsi Center
8/03 Kansas City, MO @ Sprint Center
8/05 Sturgis, SD @ Sturgis Buffalo Chip
8/06 Sioux City, IA @ Tyson Events Center
8/08 Tinley Park, IL @ First Midwest Band Ampitheatre
8/09 Clarkston, MI @ DTE Energy Music Theatre
8/10 Toronto, ON @ Molson Canadian Ampitheatre
8/12 Cuahoga Falls, OH @ Blossom Music Center
8/13 Burgettstown, PA @ First Niagara Pavilion
8/15 Pelham, AL @ Oak Mountain Ampitheatre
8/16 Alpharetta, GA @ Verizon Wireless Ampitheatre
8/17 Tampa, FL @ Midflorida Credit Union Ampitheatre
8/19 Charloote, NC @ PNC Music Pavillion
8/20 Virginia Beach @ Farm Bureau Live at Virginia Beach
8/22 Bristow, VA @ Jiffy Lube Live
8/23 Camden, NJ @ Susquehanna Bank Center
8/24 Mansfield, MA @ Xfinity Center
8/26 Saratoga Springs, NY @ Saratoga Performing Arts Center
8/27 Allentown, PA @ Great Allentown Fair
8/29 Wantagh, NY @ Nikon at Jones Beach Theater
8/30 Holmdel, NJ @ PNC Bank Arts Center
8/31 Darien Center, NY @ Darien Lake Performing Arts Center
10/10 Oklahoma City, OK @ Chesapeake Arena
10/11 The Woodlands, TX @ Cynthia W. Mitchell Pavilion
10/12 Bossier City, LA @ Centurylink Center
10/14 Louisville, KY @ KFC Yum! Center
10/15 Nashville, TN @ Bridgestone Arena
10/17 Hollywood, FL @ Seminole Hard Rock Live
10/19 Jacksonville, FL @ Veterans Memorial Arena
10/21 Greenville, SC @ Bon Secours Wellness Arena
10/22 Greensboro, NC @ Greensboro Coliseum
10/25 Atlantic City, NJ @ Borgata
10/26 Montville, CT @ Mohegan Sun
10/29 Syracuse, NY @ The Oncenter Complex
11/05 Biloxi, MS @ Mississippi Coast College
11/06 Southhaven, MS @ Landers Center
11/09 Moline, IL @ Iwireless Center
11/11 Green Bay, WI @ Resch Center
11/12 Madison, WI @ Alliant Energy Center
11/13 Omaha, NE @ Centurylink Center
11/15 St. Paul, MN @ Xcel Energy Center
11/16 Fargo, ND @ Fargodome
11/18 Edmonton, AB @ Rexall Place
11/19 Calgary AB @ Scotiabank Saddledome
11/22 Spokane, WA @ Spokane Arena