The Grannies Grammys Metal Round-Up: Black Sabbath Win, Metallica Perform with Lang Lang, Jeff Hanneman is Forgotten, Trent Reznor is Angry

Did you watch The Grammys last night??? I sure as fuck didn’t!!! I mean, I actually did consider it, but then I decided it would be more fun to stick my dick in a socket and douse it with water. But the show went on and the internet tells me that dramatic things happened. Here is a round-up of those dramatic things which pertain to fans of metal most heavy:

• Black Sabbath won the Best Metal Performance Grammy for their song “God is Dead?”, thereby striking a decisive victory for older people everywhere at these usually younger-skewing awards. Anthrax, Dream Theater, Killswitch Engage, and Volbeat all lost and, as a result, will have to commit seppuku for failing to obtain the only artistic measuring stick that really matters, thereby shaming their ancestors. Or they can just go about their day being proud that they’re four of the biggest metal bands out there right now and taking comfort in the fact that a week from now, no one will remember who won this award (including Ozzy).
  
• As previously announced, Metallica performed “One” with Chinese pianist Lang Lang. The results basically sounded like “One” with a piano added to it. The Grammy people have been yanking down any YouTube videos of the performance left and right, so watch this quickly if you wanna see it:
  
• Jeff Hanneman was left out of the “In Memoriam” montage thinger of people who have died in the past year. On the one hand, this is surprising because since 2002, Slayer have been nominated for five Grammys, two of which they won, four of which were for songs Hanneman wrote. On the other hand, this is not surprising because it’s the fucking Grammys. Emotionally, I understand that I ought to be offended by Hanneman’s absence, but intellectually, I understand that getting mad at the Grammys for this slight would be like getting mad at someone with Alzheimer’s for not being able to follow the plot of The Care Bears Movie.
• The show was closed out by an all-star band consisting of Trent Reznor, Dave Grohl, Josh Homme, and Lindsey Buckingham performing Nine Inch Nails’ “Copy Of A” and Queens of the Stone Age’s “My God is the Sun”… except, according to The PRP, the end of the performance “was obscured by credits and promotional messages.” Trent Reznor reacted to the news with his characteristic zen calm:
  

  Music’s biggest night… to be disrespected. A heartfelt FUCK YOU guys.

  — Trent Reznor (@trent_reznor) January 27, 2014

  Reznor’s beef is obviously legit, but, again, this seems a little like complaining that the crackhead hooker you fucked without a condom gave you an STD. It’s The Grammys. They don’t actually exist to celebrate art, they don’t actually mean anything, and if they’ve ever been a genuine representation of what’s cool, it certainly wasn’t in my lifetime.

PHEW! So glad that’s over so now we can go back to living our lives without this cloud hanging over us.