Necessary Roughness: Richard Sherman is a F*cking Assh*le
It’s always kind of sad to watch the championship games when the last time your team was in them was when they still played the game without face-masks. Or when a couple of the QBs playing are exactly the guys your QB was supposed to turn into, but instead had his leg ripped off. Or even when you kinda hate every single team that’s playing. But watch I did, and was treated to two really important football games that I cared little or nothing about.
You see, that’s the kind of fan I am. I love my ‘Skins, despite the fucked-up owner and racist name and seemingly endless procession of loser coaches (interspersed with a couple of good ones that inexplicably get fired). In fact I love my ‘Skins so much that I really don’t care about any other teams, and I hate a lot of them. But since I have been writing this column it has been my duty to report on the entire league, so I have learned a lot about the other teams. More than I ever wanted to. Through it all I have learned to respect certain teams, players, and coaches, while learning to despise other ones. I never have had much love for the Seahawks, seeing as they’ve booted the ‘Skins out of the playoffs, ripped off RG III’s leg, and have stupid uniforms. Now I have something new to add to the list. Richard Sherman is a fucking asshole.
After watching a great game, how ugly was that? The reporter was obviously taken aback, as was I. I had no idea what this dude was talking about, and there he was screaming at me. Besides the fact that the guy was obviously on enough Ritalin to make little Johnny go to class 24 hours a day, his self-obsessed rant about “talk” and “the best” brought back unpleasant memories of the torment I received from the “jocks,” that subset of high-schoolers primarily made up of assholes like Richard Sherman. And I guess his trip to the locker room (and that bottle of Xanax he needed to come down from the Ritalin) did little to dim his enthusiasm for himself, as he continued with his idiocy. Yeah, Crabtree is such a “sorry” receiver. One of the N.F.L.’s best “sorry” receivers. And how about a little credit for your teammates, like the one that actually intercepted the ball you tipped? Or your vaunted “12th Man,” whose exhortations have propelled you onto the soapbox from which you now project yourself like the fucking moron you are? How about a little respect for them, dickweed? In a game where smack-talking is as big a part of the show as the football itself, Sherman’s narcissistic baby-fit left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Not that I have a lot of love for the 49’ers, especially after the anti-gay slurs that came out of their locker room last year, but go fuck yourself, Richard Sherman.
And one more thing… about this “12th Man.” Besides the fact that it’s stupid… I mean, any moron can yell at the top of their lungs, in fact that is one of their defining qualities. I should know, I do it for a living! It’s not very original either. There have been plenty of “12th Man” teams in N.F.L. history, ones that made considerably less noise than the Seahawks fans. Shouldn’t we be up to like 14th or 15th man by now? And isn’t the phrase “12th Man” more than a little sexist? What, no women are making noise? Oh, that’s right, the only reason gals dig football is to make men happy, so the dudes get all the credit, despite the fact that the shrill shriek of a woman is twice as loud as even the most drunken football dude. Unless of course you are Richard Sherman talking about himself.
This Sherman story is sure to be rammed down our throats for the next few days as sports scribes desperately search for story lines in the two remaining teams. Fuck, it was bad enough last week, when there were four teams… now we have two weeks until the Super Bowl and only two teams left. I guess we could talk about the Pro Bowl, and about how stupid it is, especially now that it is BEFORE the Super Bowl and players on the two teams that are supposed to be the best in the league can’t play. Oh well, at least it will give Richard Sherman plenty of time to get angry at someone. And if that helps him, he better get real mad, because the best QB in history is gonna be coming after him.
Thank you Peyton Manning for saving us from having to watch yet ANOTHER Super Bowl with the Patriots in it. Thank you Peyton for showing class, poise, and insane resolve in his quest to come back from what would have been a career-ending injury for most, and leading his team to the Super Bowl by beating the Patriots, 26-16, in a game that was never really close. Did anybody else notice that after Peyton stopped doing so many Doritos commercials that he got a lot better? Thank you Peyton Manning for being a glimmer of hope in a league full of blithering idiots. I might not like any team other than my ‘Skins, but in two weeks I will be rooting for Peyton to wordlessly have the last word on assholes like Richard “I am the best cornerback in the League” Sherman.
And before you haters pile on, ask yourself this: of the two, which athlete would you rather have as a role-model for your kids? And let me win round one: Oderus was never meant to be a role-model, he is a character I play in a theatrical metal band. He’s meant to be a role-model about as much as Freddy or Jason is. Maybe he is meant to be a role-model for how NOT to be, and Richard Simmons… I mean Sherman… and Oderus are probably hanging out tonight.
That’s it. I’m out. Bring it.
