Fifteen Ways Wayne Static Might Celebrate the Fifteenth Anniversary of Static-X’s Wisconsin Death Trip
Wayne Wells, better known to midwestern glue huffers as “Wayne Static” and to everyone else as “that attention whore with the really tall hair,” sent out the below tweet yesterday:
15 years ago @OfficialStaticX released #WisconsinDeathTrip Im fucking stoked to bring it back LIVE this year on #wdt2014 announcements soon
— Wayne Static (@IAmWayneStatic) January 12, 2014
OH BOY! Of course, we have no way of knowing HOW Wayne plans to celebrate this most momentous of birthdays given that he drops gives absolutely NO clues in his message. But I thought of fifteen totally awesome ways in which Wayne might commemorate the fifteenth anniversary, and I thought I’d share them. To reiterate, I have ZERO inside information, these are just my kewl ideas, which Wayne is welcome to use, free of charge:
- Sponsor a massive bonfire with which to destroy all remaining physical copies of Wisconsin Death Trip.
- Announce a “Win a Wisconsin Cheese Trip with Wayne Static!” contest.
- Announce self-quarantine following move to Wisconsin.
- Announce his retirement in Wisconsin.
- Announce his retirement on the way to Wisconsin.
- Announce his retirement from home.
- Do not announce retirement, just disappear.
- Announce that he will be playing Wisconsin Death Trip in its entirety, only play “Push It” twelve times, see if anyone notices.
- Announce that he will be playing Wisconsin Death Trip in its entirety, only play a cover of Salt N’ Peppa’s “Push It” twelve times, see if anyone notices.
- Finally admit to the world that he is, indeed, the Slim Jim dude.
- Modify haircut to be in the shape of Wisconsin.
- Get a haircut that does not immediately announce to the world that mommy and daddy didn’t pay attention to him when he was a kid.
- Donate every penny ever made from sales of Wisconsin Death Trip to the victims of his music.
- Pay-per-view no-holds-barred cage match match against Tony Campos.
- Autoerotic asphyxiation with chin tail.
To keep up-to-date with all Wayne Static/Wisconsin Death Trip anniversary celebration news, go here!
[via The PRP]
