The Fifth Annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” Contest: Finalists Announced!!!
Last week, we launched our fifth annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” contest, in which we challenged you, our beloved readers, to tell us why we suck for a chance to take over the site on Friday, November 1. As has been the case with every year, we had a whole lotta great entries, but we’ve narrowed ‘em down to eight finalists who made us laugh the hardest. They are, in alphabetical order: 365 Days of Horror, Conrad, Evan Conway, The Devil, Friendly Fella, Feind Gottes, HessianHunter, MaTT, Fred Wurst, and Weston Wylie.
What happens next is up to you guys! You can read all the finalists’ entries below; then, anytime between now and midnight EST on Friday, October 25, vote for who you think should take over MetalSucks for a day. We’ll announce the winner on Saturday, October 26, and then it’s up to that winner to, y’know, do our job for us for twenty-four hours.
The voting ballot and the finalists’ entries are after the jump… good luck to all the finalists!!!
Finalists’ entries, in alphabetical order:
365 Days of Horror
Axl and Vince, you suck because despite your tireless efforts, Dave Mustaine, Ted Nugent, and Varg Vikernes are still out of jail and releasing albums. You post night and day about their exploits and for what? You waste valuable internet space reporting on things they actually say instead of posting rumors that Dave Mustaine planned 9/11, Varg is releasing his own line of feminine hygiene products, and that Ted Nugent is really 3 ducks in a man costume. You could have been doctors and lawyers, or at least people that answer the phones for doctors and lawyers. When Varg, Mustaine, and Nugent form a new supergroup, we’re going to blame you. For shame.
Conrad
I only come back to this site because the overambitious site-blocking software at my job has blocked all the better metal news sites. Axl can’t write while he’s high (so pretty much ever) and I’m beginning to suspect the proverbial stick up Vince’s butt has actualized into a full fucking branch. With the exception of Sergeant D and the various personalities in the comment threads, I would gladly go someplace else for metal news between the hours of 9am and 5pm.
ELECT ME AS YOUR OVERLORD FOR A DAY, CRETINS, AND I WILL GIVE YOU COVERAGE OF BANDS THAT ONLY PLAY BASEMENTS OR C-LIST MARKETS AND HUGE THINKPIECES ON ROBERT KELLY.
Evan Conway
Axl.
That’s all.
The Devil
The problem with this site is that there’s clearly not enough of ME or the things that I condone being discussed. You know, EVIL fucking shit? Newsflash people: Pig Destroyer is not evil, and neither are Devin Townsend’s farts. Plus, everyone knows that the tr00 kvlt ass satanists celebrate Halloween on November 1st, which makes it the perfect day for me to take over MS. If elected to be the deity to take over MS on the most unholiest of days, I promise to discuss some fucking evil and rad shit, in addition to some music industry practical legal advice that I am in a unique position to provide as the managing partner of Lucifer LLP (which by the way, has offices in Purgatory, Valhalla, Hades, and the 9th Circle of Hell).
Friendly Fella
Every morning I wake up, I get out of bed, and I eat Ben and Jerrys as I continue to masturbate and cry (as I did the night before). Then I sign onto Metalsucks, and see nothing about sloths. Fuck you guys. Fuck you for never posting about sloths. I am going to make this websites banner say “sloth fest” and I’m going to post Stephen Colbert videos and new Megadeth tunes all day.
Feind Gottes
When I look up from the darkness of the Abyss in the rare moments when Satan allows me to lift my head, I look up and I see a single bright shining light. It always takes a moment for my eyes to adjust but I know that it is none other than the one and only Metalsucks banner glimmering in the distance as if it were the sun rising in the east. For punishment Satan forces me to scan the website each day for little slices of evil. Yes, duh! Satan’s a metalhead. While I pick out select music for the Master, I generally find the most evil in the comments section as readers delight in letting Axl and Vince know just how much dick they should suck for each individual story. Each day I sit and read thinking to myself if only such vitriol could be spewed at me everyday instead of having to shovel Satan’s shit for eternity. I mean getting told fifty times a day to go suck a bag of dicks or clean out a septic tank with a straw would be a welcome change of pace especially when Satan has Mexican night which is every Tuesday in case you were wondering. I can’t help think how sweet it would be to be told just how much I suck everyday. It would be like walking in a dreamland albeit a dreamland with trees that grow dicks and flowers that are actual turd blossoms
but still better than being stuck down here in the Abyss shoveling shit for eternity. If I were lucky enough to run Metalsucks for a day I promise it would completely suck for that day. I mean Axl & Vince are just horrible but look at what you just read, isn’t that shit worse? And I haven’t even touched on my rabid meth’d up monkey army that I am building to take over the world yet. Running Metalsucks for a day would bring me one step closer to world domination. And did I mention it’s what Satan wants? ‘Cause it is so up vote this shit or you will all rise to the top of the kill list when my rabid monkey army is unleashed! Besides aren’t you tired of this site being total shit everyday? So quit yer bitchin and let me run this thing for a day unless you’re more of a pussy than Axl & Vince. You aren’t a pussy are you?
HessianHunter
Metalsucks, you are theoretically a blog about metal, yet you are the laziest goddamn reviewers I’ve ever seen. Words I never want to see in print for a music review ever again thanks to you: “Slab,” “punishing,” “groovy,” & “razor-tight.” With you guys, every progressive band with a clean singer sounds like Dream Theater, every polyrhythmic chug-fest sounds like Meshuggah, and every skronky punk mess sounds like Botch. No love for Manilla Road? Or Prong? Drive Like Jehu? Want proof I can do better? Go to the search bar & search my name, Steve Bergquist. (Also Berquist, because they fucked up the spelling when crediting me for cluing them into Maximum the Hormone’s existence.) Everything interesting said in these articles about MtH, And So I Watch You From Afar, and Fucked Up comes from my emails, sometimes credited & sometimes not. While we’re at it, go into my Disqus account and read my comments for further proof that I can express a cogent thought and fucking spell it right. I don’t comment on every post, just ones where I have something to say that actually matters.
Ever since Anthony Gobeille shat the bed last year in the span of 5 ½ posts, I’ve been concocting worthwhile articles, reviews, & assorted geeky shit to write about on this site. Articles like “Hair Care For Heshers”, “The Best Trve Norwegian Straightedge Hardcore Bands”, and a dumb post about what color various bands would be if they were a Magic: The Gathering card.
Real talk, MS; your blog is childish. It’s almost charming for that, but I wish you’d act more mature once in a while. Not mature like a balding 50 year old with a cubicle job; more like a 17 year-old honors student in an Opeth hoodie. That’s all I ask from a music blog, Vince & Axl, and that’s what you’ll get from me. Just for a day, this scampish little toddler of a website will be that bespectacled, pissed off 4.0 student in the raggedy Converse & Opeth hoodie with home-made thumb holes who will eventually be a modestly wealthy CEO of a small, independent software firm and married to a shockingly attractive cyber-goth he charmed on Industrial Night at the local discotheque in spite of his infuriatingly douchey died-black ponytail. Make the right choice, comrades. Vote HessianHunter for President. Of MetalSucks. For a day.
MaTT
You guys suck because you are all a bunch of pretentious fucks. I don’t think it’s any secret to anyone with half a brain reading this site that your tastes are pretty much clear-cut: useless prog, shitty djent, and anything that concerns Pantera.
Speaking of Pantera…what the fuck was up with that “Most Unnecessarily Shat Upon Band in Metal” poll? Why include Pantera in that thing? I suspect you added them because you know more than half the readers on this site would gladly suck Dimebag’s limp, maggot-filled, decomposing dick right out from the grave. Same goes for that beard bracket.
MS has clearly become metal’s Perez Hilton. I don’t think anybody could give less than a shit about Ted Mustaine’s ramblings, Fred Durst (fucking get over that piece of shit already) and other nu-metal, bitchslap fights between members of an extremely mediocre retro-metal band, and horrible attempts at photoshop. There have been more inane drama-gossip articles here than I can remember. Sometimes, I wonder why i keep coming back here…but then I see the comments. The fucking trolls here like Satan, bob, and God are WAY better at comedy than you guys, which makes them better Jews than you.
(speaking of…Imagine David Draiman with Abraham singing “Down with the Sickness”. Probably happened after the first circumcision)
Also, there is such a thing as making the difference between the artist and the art, but obviously you think people are too dumb to make that difference. These days, we can put your hypocritical views to the test: will you stop listening to As I Lay Dying because Lambasis is in court? Or how about Nachtmystium? All your smartest or most entertaining coloumnists are outsider -people like Grim Kim, Eyal Levy, and shit, even Sergeant D. (Whatever happened to AJ MInette’s column? THAT was super interesting stuff…bring HIM back!)
Fred Wurst
When in the Course of blogging, it becomes necessary for a group of nerds on the internet to dissolve the musical bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the blog, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Metal and of Metal’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of readers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the butthurt.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all metal is created equal, that they are endowed by Dio with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are speed, heaviness, and the pursuit of brutality.–That to secure these rights, Bloggers are instituted among Readers, deriving their just powers from the consent of the readers, –That whenever any Blogger becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Readers to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Blog Owners, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Relevance and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Bloggers long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that readers are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Bloggers, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Readers; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Shitty Methods of Blogging. The history of the present Axl Rosenburg is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Readers. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has called together writers at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his dumb lists.
He has erected a multitude of Enter Sandman ripoffs, and sent hither swarms of ripoffs to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, bob as a commentor without the consent of our readers
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of decent spelling
He has affected to render the Soundscam lists independent of and superior to the Actual Sales
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
We, therefore, the Readers of Metalsucks, in a comment on some dumb blog, Assembled, appealing Axl for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Readers of this Blog, solemnly publish and declare, That these Readers are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Bloggers; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to Axl, and that all political connection between them and the State of Metalsucks, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Bloggers may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Weston Wylie
MetalSucks, The reason MetalSucks sucks is because there is not enough coverage of “wigger slam music”. There is a whole sub genre of TXDM that should be called “TXWS” (Texas Wigger Slam), but is not confined to TX alone. A lot of Viking wannabe and blackmetal enthusiasts have been calling it “wigger slam” music and I want to capitalize on this phrase and let the world know how fucking awesome “wigger slam” actually is. It is “So Dope”. I hate prejudice piece of shit assholes that use this word, but it is what it is. Give me the reigns of your site and I will talk about “wigger slams” all day long, compile videos of said sub-genre and decimate the haters that want to talk shit on those that compile riffs and slams of this awesome style. “Trailer Park Solos” is also a term that has been used along with “Wigger Slam” and I would like to bring this into the light as well. Please feel free to reach me at my registered email. Thank you, and please vote for me.
