Necessary Roughness, Week 2: Hail to the Deadskins
Well, I suppose it’s only right that I start this week’s column by eating a huge bowl of DICKS for talking shit about the Eagles last week and then having to endure the horrible beat-down the new Philly offense unleashed on my beloved Skins in the season opening Monday Night Football game. Ok, here they come, I can smell them from here. It’s an earthy, irony smell, and also completely disgusting. The waiter is bringing a giant, steaming, greasy bowl of dicks to my table, and I don’t even get a plate or silverware, they just dump them on my table and I just have to eat them with my hands. And there are all kinds of dicks in here — donkey dicks, pig dicks, hell, there is even the dick from that dude from Fall Out Boy. And that one is DISGUSTING. Philly fan, you seeing this? Brockie is eating a bowl of dick. At least I can eat them, and I mean I just wolf them down, trying to get the whole repulsive ordeal over with as quickly as possible. I don’t have to suck them or anything… I just chew ’em up with water and swallow as often as I can. Actually this donkey dick tastes pretty good! O.K., no it doesn’t. I talked shit, the Skins sucked, and now, I have eaten a bowl of dick. Hope you are happy, Philly fan.
Week two got off to a forgettable start Thursday night in a game I forgot was on. It always takes me a few weeks to remember Thursday is a game night. So we had the Jets falling to the Pats 13-10 and it was by all accounts a sloppy and boring affair. But, Jets fan, be of stout heart. The Jets played a close game, you are 1-1, and Mark Sanchez is not your starter… yet.
The early games were dominated by the Pack vs. my beloved Skins, who are going to have to change that name sooner or later. Thousands of high schools and colleges already have done so out of respect to the Native Americans that were so completely fucked over. It’s time for that money-grubbing asshole Dan Snyder to realize even though there are tons of Skins fans who don’t give a shit that there are tons of other people who regard the name as an embarrassment to the club and the game. I am one of them. But I am not going to get into this any deeper right now… the Skins obviously have bigger problems than their name as Aaron Rodgers had a career day in Green Bay’s complete destruction of the Skins, 38-20.
Thanks, Shanahan, for keeping RG III in the Seattle game last year even though it was obvious his leg was about to fall off. Because of that decision RG III is a shell of the QB he once was, and to make matters worse the Redskins’ D couldn’t defend against a flag-football team of paralyzed Vets. Way to go, Dan Snyder, for choosing a slavish devotion to close-mindedness over that of doing something that is actually right. Is it another season of pain for you, Skins fan, after one brief, glittering glimpse of glory? Is it “Hail to the Deadskins” yet again? Because the whole team looked like shit. It actually made me turn the channel to the Red Zone. You might not be reading that much about the Skins in my column this year.
And I might be watching a lot more Red Zone, which really does rule. I got to watch the ends of a few close games instead of continuing to watch my favorite team get pummeled. The perpetually disappointing Minnesota Vikings traveled to Chicago (loved the old school Bears uniforms) to lose to the Bears at Soldier Field. Under a soggy sky the two teams battled and it came down to a last-second TD toss from Jay Cutler as the Bears took the day, 31-30. There quickly followed another wild game — the Buffalo Bills vs. the Carolina Panthers, who seemed to have the win sealed up until a critically stupid penalty gave the Bills the chance to triumph over the Panthers, 24-23. Yet another close game was the Philadelphia Eagles against the San Diego Chargers. Did I say that Philly fan was happy? What’s that? Not so happy? Oh, thats right, you lost to the San Diego Chargers on a last-second field goal 33-30. So much for that offensive revolution. It was still a close game and could have gone either way. Good one for the Chargers and their new coach, Mike McCoy. You just gotta wonder when and where Norv “Turkey Neck” Turner is gonna surface again.
But the Red Zone was not done with me yet! There followed yet another close game and exercise in agony during the Tennessee Titans vs. the Houston Texans contest. The Texans’ kicker, Randy Bullock, before his game-winner last week, had missed two long field goals on the day. He had a chance to redeem himself as his team positioned him for a 51-yd field goal attempt. Poor guy had to endure a time-out (after he kicked it through the uprights), a block that got called back because of an offsides, and ANOTHER time-out that iced a good kick before he finally missed it in regulation, sending the game into overtime. Agony for any Texans fan until… Matt Schuab’s TD pass in OT saved the day.
The Chucklebuttts were in good form with Terry Bradshaw remarking on the Carolina Panthers’ first half against the Buffalo Bills… “Not much of a game, pretty boring…”. I thought that was pretty funny until Michael Strahan remarked “RG III was starting to move like R2-D2.” Ouch.
OK gotta wrap this up as I am off to the Dan Patrick Show. Danette Seton O’Connor got fed to the meat grinder and looked pretty happy about it. Congrats to the Falcons’ defensive Osi “Human-Urine” for his first NFL TD in 11 seasons as he returned a batted ball for a TD in the Falcons 31-24 win over the St. Louis Rams.
The Dallas Cowboys travelled to Arrowhead Stadium (are Arrowheads going to complain about that name as well?) to try and ruin Andy Reid’s Kansas City debut. Unfortunately for the ‘Boys the Chiefs squeaked out a 14-13 win. Everybody in the NFC East lost!
Shit. There were a ton more games but I have a show tonight and Oderus is on the Dan Patrick Show tomorrow. So I turn it over to you, dear reader. Cya next week, football fans!
