I Am Seriously Considering Going to the Inaugural Stryper Fan Weekend

I’ve never been a Stryper fan; it doesn’t have so much to do with the fact that they think I’m going to Hell as it does with the fact that their music sucks colossal cow cock.

That being said, I am now seriously considering attending the band’s inaugural fan weekend, which will take place from October 11-13 in Franklin, TN.

And why, pray tell, would I go to this thing if I don’t like Stryper? For the sake of comedy, of course! To wit:

• According to a press release, “The cost [of the event] is $777.00 per person (or $677.00 per person with double occupancy).” In other words, the same way that metal dudes sometimes have a little laugh by charging $6.66 for something, Stryper and their fans have a little laugh by going out of their way to acknowledge that they don’t associate with The Number of the Beast. I’m actually shocked they went with “777” and not “667,” just to make extra-sure that everyone appreciated both their dry wit and their allegiance to The Almight.
• Stryper think their fans are idiots. This comes from their official website:“Oh, the package marked ‘EVENT ONLY – NO HOTEL’ does NOT include hotel stay? So let me ask you this… does it include hotel room?”
• The band’s fans are idiots: one of the special events included in the package is “a sneak peek at the band’s upcoming music video.” Meaning that the band will take hundreds of dollars from each fan, and then not even let them see the entire music video, which will soon be on YouTube for free.
• Another one of the special events included in the package is “access to a national radio special taping (with live audience).” In other words, you will NOT have to die in order to gain access to the taping, which will make it much easier to enjoy the remainder of the weekend.
• ANOTHER another one of the special events included in the package is “a Sunday morning worship service with frontman Michael Sweet.” I MEAN.
• The Marriott at which the event will take place lists a plantation which “became the largest Confederate field hospital during the Battle of Franklin in 1864” — in other words, The Civil War — as a “nearby attraction.”
• In the words of the great Rodney Ruxin, “I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.” No way they don’t pick me out for a fake almost immediately. Will they kick me out, or turn the other cheek and try to convert me? I’m hoping it’s the latter!

Conclusion: THIS IS GOING TO BE THE FUNNIEST GODDAMN WEEKEND OF MY WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE. See ya there!!!