Lita Ford Hates Her Ex Husband, Loves Belts

TRANSCRIPT: TELEPHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN DOUBLE-JEW AXL ROSENBERG AND LITA FORD, WEDNESDAY, MAY 8, 2013, 10:43 A.M.

[phone ringing]

LITA: Hello?

AXL: Oh, hey, Lita, it’s Axl! Long time no speak. What’s going on?

LITA: Oh, not much. Just sitting on a couch in the middle of the desert with my boots off and a belt next to me, playing my guitar, singing to my son about how my prick ex-husband turned my child against me. Y’know. Typical Wednesday morning.

AXL: Oh! You’re spending time with your son?

LITA: No, he’s not here.

AXL: But I thought you said you’re singing to him?

LITA: I did.

AXL: But he’s not there?

LITA: Why would he be here?

AXL: …

LITA: Hello? Did we get disconnected?

AXL: No, sorry, I’m here, I’m here. I just… uh… so you went out to the desert with your guitar and a couch and started singing to no one?

LITA: I also wrote some messages in the sand.

AXL: …

LITA: Axl! Axl, I can’t here you!

AXL: I’m here, I’m here… but, um… sorry, did you say your took your boots off?

LITA: Mm-hm.

AXL: …and your belt?

LITA: No, silly. I brought an extra belt.

AXL: An… extra… belt?

LITA: Yeah! Y’know. To put on the couch beside me. Don’t you ever do that?

AXL: I… uh… yeah… well… anyway, what are you up to later? Wanna hang out or something?

LITA: I’d love to! But I’m actually re-creating Metallica’s video for “Enter Sandman” later.

AXL: …

LITA: Hello? Hello? Axl? Are you there?

AXL: [impersonating automated message] We’re sorry, but the person you’re trying to reach has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again.

[Axl hangs up, edits Lita’s name in his contacts to read “DO NOT ANSWER“]

END TRANSCRIPT.

NOTE TO MORONS: This was not an actual phone conversation. If you believed it was an actual phone conversation, call your parents and tell them they failed you very badly. If your parents are dead, just bang your head against a wall for six to seven years. Thank you.