Predator are the Future of Heavy Metal

Ah, Craig’s List. You continue to be a source of seemingly-infinite hilarity.

The free classisfieds website’s latest contribution to the members of the metal community who enjoy belittling those who were dropped on their heads as an infant: this ad from the band Predator, who are apparently from NYC. How I’ve never encountered these dudes yet is a total mystery.

Let’s examine the text of their ad, shall we?

PREDATOR is the hottest true “Power Metal” group that breathes new life into the commonly heartless boundaries of heavy metal.

Okay, I don’t understand why “power metal” is capitalized or in quotation marks, but so far, this is fairly common press release bullshit.

Their debut cd-dvd set is lightning packed within a collection of high energy thrashers that grab the listener from the first awesome slash across the strings.

I’m not entirely clear if they’re saying their debut album is a CD/DVD set, or if they’ve just released their first-ever CD/DVD set. Assuming it’s the former, well, I think releasing a CD/DVD set before anyone knows who you are is pretty dumb, but I’m no marketing executive so okay fine whatever.

But I absolutely cannot let the second part of this sentence slide. The CD/DVD set is lightning packed with a collection of songs? How the fuck do you package a physical product within something that only exists via soundwaves? I’m reasonably certain they mean that the songs are packed into the CD/DVD set. I’m also reasonably certain I have now put more thought into the text of this ad than Predator did.

Their reality-based lyrics are deeply thought provoking works of poetry which will leave the listener feeling and thinking more about life on multiple levels.

Well at least they’re modest.

Their controversial song and video, “Closet Anti-Christ”, an amazing metal anthem that addresses the topic of domestic battery, has been praised world-wide and helped them raise money for Women In Distress.

I know I shouldn’t make fun of a band that’s contributing money to a worthy cause, but I’m going to do it anyway: your song and video cannot be controversial if 99% of all metal fans have never fucking heard of it. I mean, I have no doubt that your mom thought it was pretty shocking, but that doesn’t make it controversial.

Also, you should have included a link to the video. I was able to find it via YouTube, I’m just saying, while you’re promoting your shit, you should consider, like,  promoting your shit.

Anyways, this video is predictably ridiculous. (For the future, fellas, if the director tells you he can light your performance footage using only his car headlights, fire the director.) It also demonstrates why the band put “power metal” in quotes earlier: they’re not a power metal band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bueAUIcDqsM

ANYWAY, the band continues:

Their hot new album, Born In Blood, is an awesome collection of metal gems showcasing their extraordinary talents and versatility, certain to satiate metal heads worldwide!

I’m gonna start referring to every album I like as the band’s “hot new album.”

Recorded in only 24 hours,

You spent a WHOLE DAY recording this thing??? I find that so hard to believe!

Born In Blood captures Predator in even finer moments than their debut.

I think you may have missed a word there, skippy.

Without a trace of doubt, this is the only band that can rival Metallica for the throne of metal greatness and win it!

LOL WUT. Guys, you’re talking to one Metallica’s harshest critics here, and I can say, without a doubt, that they would blow you so fuck the far out of the water that you’d land on Mars. Also, you should just never, ever make a claim this monumentally arrogant. That goes for every band, but especially you guys, whose biggest claim to fame is now going to be that MetalSucks made fun of you. You’re welcome, by the way.

This new album is relentless with power, might, and amazing musical creativity that echoes in one’s head long after the first listen. The future of metal is PREDATOR and Born In Blood is a masterpiece.

Then the band includes FIFTEEN links to places where you can buy their music… but no links to a Facebook page or any place where you can actually hear more than a brief sample of their music. Maybe they didn’t bother because the know a brief sample is all you need to hear to know that this is crap.

There is a URL for their official website at the bottom of the page, but it’s not a link.

And, oh, I almost forgot! If by now you’re asking yourself, “Wait, what is this a Craig’s List ad for? Does the band need a new member or something?”, you should know that the answer is, “This is just a Craig’s List ad for the band.” That’s it. They’re not looking for a new line-up. They just want people on Craig’s List who happen to be looking for the hot new “Power Metal” album to know that they’re out there, ready to de-throne Metallica at any time.

So like I said, I’m not in marketing, but I’m pretty confident Predator are doing this all wrong.

Thanks: Jonathan