Family Re-Writes Lyrics to Queen Classics for Bar Mitzvah Invitation Video

March 14th, 2013 at 12:40pm
Axl Rosenberg

Here’s the thing about being bar mitzvahed: it fucking blows. You have to study the portion of the Torah you’re going to read, which means you basically have extra homework all the time, and oh yeah by the way?, when I say “read” I mean “sing,” in a not-especially beautiful melody, at an age when your voice cracks approximately once every fifteen seconds. (Being nervous about performing in front of a bunch of people, many of whom are friends and family members that are most certainly judging you, doesn’t help that any.) In fact, you probably look all-around-shitty when you’re thirteen, because your skin is probably terrible, your haircut is probably terrible (although you may not know it at the time), you’ve got some peach fuzz for facial hair, and your dick basically tries to go ballistic at random intervals, so there’s like a 50/50 chance that when the Rabbi calls you up, you’re gonna have a hard on for no discernible reason other than hey it’s Saturday morning and Rebecca Rottencrotchowitz is showing just a little bit of mosquito bite today. Then you get to have a big party, except you still have to do a bunch of shit you don’t wanna do (candle lighting, anyone?), and your parents invited a gajillion people who “haven’t seen you since you were this big!” and you therefore do not remember and do not give two shits about. The only silver lining is that in twenty years, you’ll still have some stock in Microsoft. Whoopee.

All of this is my very long-winded way of saying that while in theory, this kid — his name is Jorel, by the way, like Superman’s fucking father — and his family should probably be commended for the creativity and effort they put into this bar mitzvah video invitation, I think his family should not be commended for allowing him to do this, thereby ensuring that he won’t get laid until college or he moves to another town, whichever comes first. And actually he put this up on the internet, so I don’t know that he’ll ever get laid.

Of course, I could probably spare the lil’ guy some pain by not posting this on MetalSucks, but let’s be real, I am just not that nice of a person.