Jim Malone Retires From Arsis, Accepts Position as Strength and Conditioning Coach for the New York Mets

Things have been up in the air for Arsis for some time now: the ever-revolving door of band members has reached such extremes that even Jim Malone, the band’s creative mastermind, is hiring replacements for himself.

Apparently the Long Island native has finally had enough of the musician lifestyle: according to MetsBlog.com, the talented guitarist has accepted a position as the Mets strength and conditioning coach for the 2013 season.

We also finally find out why Malone had to miss all those Arsis tours; he’s been moonlighting as the San Diego Padres’ strength and and conditioning couch for the past seven seasons, that rat bastid!

We mourn the loss of Arsis, but we congratulate Jim on what is certainly a sound career move, and one with his family’s best interests in mind. Anything that can help Johan Santana’s creaky left shoulder from falling off in his final contract year is OK in my book, and hey, at least he won’t have to deal with Jason Bay and his constantly concussed dome.

DISCLAIMER: Jim Malone has neither retired from Arsis nor taken a position with the New York Mets or any other professional or non-professional sports team. If you thought this was a real story, please consult a doctor, as you may be mentally handicapped and entitled to government benefits.