NECESSARY ROUGHNESS, WEEK 6: THE JETS ARE BORN-AGAIN, EVEN WITHOUT JESUS TEBOW
Welcome back, football fans! The GWAR machine is on the road with our most disgusting show ever. And if you’ve seen GWAR before, you know what an ambitious statement that is. While Rob and Marilyn are hurling insults at each other from the stage wasting the time of the fans who paid big bucks to hear some music (not to watch one-trick ponies try to out-hump each other) we are hurling fake blood and jiz, sodomizing priests, and battling a Super-Cyborg-Zombie Jesus. I ain’t gonna lie, I’m just trying to make a few inflammatory comments, hoping to provoke some kind of reaction and get some cheesy publicity. While the rock stars are explaining their inane actions on Facebook I am going to bed early so I can drag my ass out of my coffin/bunk at 9:00 a.m. Monday morning to write this column. Of course two Asian hookers and an ounce of blow went in there with me. Why do I do such things? Because there is a football season going on, numb-nuts!
Keeping up with this column can be a pain in the ass on the road. Sometimes even with the full game package we have on the bus, the satellite (R2, as we refer to him), won’t pick up the signal, and we are reduced to listening to the poor robot spinning around on the roof all day looking for the transmission. But my little robot friend was working perfectly yesterday, and if it wasn’t for that annoying soundcheck and of course the show itself (which ruled) I would have seen three full games!
Before I get into the action, a word on the pre-game shows. There are crappy parts about being one of those guys. First of all, it’s a long day! But the biggest suck about being paid to watch and talk about football is that you can’t drink beer all day while doing it! Actually, I think Bradshaw might anyway, considering that 80% of what comes out of his mouth is just hysterical laughter. And finally I wish Frank Caliendo would have gone to Vegas rather than ESPN so he could be not funny there. That way I would never have to suffer through another Jay Leno or Al Pacino impersonation again. Good move on Rigglesworth, it’s the smartest thing Fox has done since they put Oderus on Red-Eye (until he got the axe). On to the action!
It was an embarrassing loss for the Indianapolis Colts to the born-again hard New York Jets (for now), so I guess Rex’s foot up the ass to QB Mark Sanchez (we all know how Rex loves his feet) had some kind of effect. Tebow didn’t do too much, just prayed a bunch and pushed some giant tires around. Andrew Luck didn’t do his team any favors by over-throwing his receivers all day as the Colts suffered a complete second half meltdown and went down in flames, 35-9.
The Browns got their first win in their past eleven games and snapped a twelve game in-division losing streak by beating their cross-state rival Bengals 34-24. Romo continued to be unable to close big games, blowing a crucial 2-point conversion after driving the Cowboys back to the verge of tying a hard-fought game that saw Lardarius Webb AND Ray Lewis injured. Poor Ray Ray. I guess I am finally gonna give him a pass on that murder…we all do silly things in our youth. But I am fucking sick to death of seeing him in that stupid commercial with the little girl asking him what his favorite color is. Maybe if she asked him “why did your entourage stab that guy to death at an Atlanta nightclub, and how the fuck did you get away with it?” Oh, that’s right; I said I would give him a pass. The Seattle Seahawks had a glorious come-from-behind victory over the New England Patriots, 24-23. It’s not that I hate the Patriots, it’s just that I can’t stand their QB, their coach, or their uniforms. If they would go back to the old helmets then all of that would change!
The GWAR tour kicked off at the Electric Factory in Philly and I spent a good part of the day talking NFL with the crew. Love those guys. But I love watching the Eagles lose as well, and that’s just what they did on an OT FG from Detroit Lion kicker Jason Hanson. In some east-meets-west action, the New York Giants shut down the 49ers, 26-3 in a display of boring dominance preceded by a bunch of useless trash-talking from both sides. And it was another crushing loss for the Raider Nation as the Atlanta Falcons got by their opponents with a last second Matt Byrant FG, further setting the stage for the Falcons late season meltdown and disappointing playoff run.
There were other games but I have a deadline and a GWAR show to get ready for so I will skip ahead to the Skins amazing 38-26 victory over the Vikings. All week people were babbling about RGIII’s concussion in last week’s loss to the Falcons. Would he be gun shy? Were the Shanahans going to get him killed? But the folks around Redskins Park knew better. RG III recovered so quickly from that mind-numbing hit that he actually started to remember names of people he hadn’t even met. He’s THAT good. And he showed it on the field Sunday with a 76-yard TD scamper where he outran the entire Minnesota defense. RGIII has the ability to take a game over like few players I have ever seen, and the Skins, who hadn’t won a game at home since last September, go to 3-3 with perhaps the most dynamic QB in the league at the helm.
Sorry if I didn’t get to your team, but that’s what the comments section is for. My last comment has to do with Breast Cancer month. Look, I have no problem with supporting breasts, and the women attached to them, but maybe we guys can get a month for testicular cancer as well. Only problem is; what color would you attach to every conceivable piece of NFL gear and plaster all over the field and stadium? Maybe the players could just walk around with a nasty bloody stain in their crotch area.
That’s it for week six! Oderus live tweeted the game yesterday from his sky-suite at Fed Ex, so check him out on Twitter at therealoderus. That guy should have his own sports column!
– Dave Brockie / Gwar
