EDDIE VAN HALEN HAS LARGE POUCHES AROUND HIS POOP SLIDE
Wikipedia tells me that diverticulitis is “a common digestive disease particularly found in the large intestine… which involves the formation of pouches (diverticula) on the outside of the colon. Diverticulitis results if one of these diverticula becomes inflamed.” The most common symptom is abdominal pain, and a fairly disgusting photo demonstrates that it basically looks like a bunch of Quato-style feet melded together (I know Quato has no feet but you get what I’m saying).
And I’m telling you about this not because I need a metaphor to explain what it feels like to listen to the new Winds of Plague album, but, rather, because Eddie Van Halen has been diagnosed with diverticulitis, and thus needs emergency surgery, and four to six months to recover from that surgery. Consequently, Van Halen’s upcoming Japanese tour, which was scheduled to kick off in November, has been pushed back to 2013.
People with memories will remember that this is the second time in less than two months that Van Halen have called off a tour; back in July, they cancelled more than thirty U.S. dates, allegedly due to exhaustion. So even though I hate to imply that someone is lying about their health, this seems a little, well, suspicious. (Remember back in 2001 when Guns N’ Roses cancelled a whole tour because Buckethead supposedly had really serious internal bleeding? And then no one ever mentioned it again when the band finally did tour the following year. Just sayin’, people do B.S. about these things sometimes.)
I guess there’s nothing we can really do but wait to see if Van Halen is on the verge of imploding for, what, the third or fourth time in their career, or if, indeed, Eddie’s just got the worst tummy ache ever. If he really is sick, Vince, Anso and I would all like to volunteer to bring him chicken soup. All we ask in return is the chance to geek out with him at great length. You don’t have to answer right away, Eddie, just think it over. Anso gives real good footrubs.
-AR
