LINKIN PARK EPIDEMIC REACHES NEW PROPORTIONS

A recent sufferer of Linkin Park recovers at a local hospital

Hybrid Theory, the 2000 debut album from Linkin Park, has now sold ten million copies in the United States, Billboard reports. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, this means that approximately 1 in every 31 Americans is now afflicted with this disease.

“It’s an epidemic,” says Dr. Thomas Ludwin from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. “To give you some idea, it hits people at roughly half the rate of cancer. Only about half a million people in America have ever died of AIDS! It’s an incredible problem.”

Luckily, Dr. Ludwin believes that even if there is still no cure for Hybrid Theory, there is, at least, a treatment. “I recommend listening to the NYC Sucks compilations. I find a good dose of real, no-bullshit metal from The City That Never Sleeps usually counteracts the effects of what amounts to hearing the same shitty song on repeat fourteen times in a row for about forty-five minutes. And it’s an affordable solution, also, because both Volume 1 and Volume 2 are available as free downloads on MetalSucks.”

Unfortunately, even with this remedy, Dr. Ludwin cannot predict when Linkin Park will end. “I don’t understand. People just keep buying their albums. You’d think they’d be satisfied to download one song from iTunes and just listen to that over and over and over again, but they insist on purchasing the full record, and going to see the band live, too. It’s almost like Hybrid Theory turns them into mindless zombies. It’s one of the most horrifying diseases I’ve encountered.”

[via The PRP]