DREX GETS A COLD

GERMS. EVERYWHERE GERMS. GERMS COPULATING IN MY NOSTRILS. GERMS PLEASURING EACH OTHER IN MY #EAROFICE. GERMS MAKING NICE PICNIC BASKET OF MICRONUTRIENTS, SETTLING DOWN IN THE SOFT GRASSY CILIA OF MY UPPER GUT, LAYING DOWN MEMBRANOUS PHLEGM BLANKEY, UNBOTTLING A #NICEWHITE, AND THEN #HUMPTHRUSTING AND #BLASTBANGING THEIR #BDSMASTERPIECE. MY #INTESTINAL LINING, ONCE ACKNOWLEDGED AS THE MOST SUPERIOR AND EFFICIENT WASTE TREATMENT FACILITY IN THE #FIVEFJORDS METROPOLITAIN PREFECTURE, IS NOW A SPLOOGE CANVAS FOR HOT-TO-TROT GERMOS. I BEAR THE PLAGUE. AND SUFFER ACCORDINGLY.

#HURTS. IT HURTS TOO. I KNOW NOT IF IT HURTS MORE THAN THE DAILY CONCESSION AND INDIGNITY THAT PUNCTUATE THIS #POORLYCONSTRUCTED SENTENCE OF #INFERIOR MODERN LIFE. PAIN IS RELATIVE AFTER ALL, AND HUMANITY IS ONE BIG REALITVELY SHITTY FAMILY. YET THE INDIGNITY IS THOROUGHGOING, AS AN EXAM BY MONSIEUR #GUMBY, LONG ARMED #PROCTOLOGIST OF #CHILDRENSLITERATURE.

THESE GERMS. THEY LITERALLY MAKE ME ILL. #SICKDREX. THEY LITERARILY MAKE ME ILL. #GERMANMELVILLE. THEY LITTORALLY MAKE ME ILL. #BEACHBLANKETGERMATHON.

JOIN ME. I WILL SHOW YOU. PACK YOUR BAGS, #PAINLOVERS AND AFFILIATED #SACHERMASSAGERS, FOR FROM ALL ANGLES I PROVIDE A TOURIST’S VIEW TO A WORLD OF PHYSIOLOGICAL DYSFUNCTION. I AM THE GRAND CANYON OVERBRIMMING WITH PHLEGMY CHUNKLES. I AM THE #TAJMAHAL MELTING UNDER A STEAMY RAIN OF ACID STOOLE.  I AM THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IN STIRRUPS, GIVING UP THE GHOST WHILE GIVING BIRTH TO A BONELESS PIGLET. I AM THE FOREIGN YET SOMEHOW FAMILIAR POSTCARD STAMPED FROM THE GRAND DUCHEE OF INFECTION.

IN THE PLACES IRONICALLY KNOWN AS MY #TEMPLES, I AM BEING RANSACKED AND PILLAGED. I AM ALL FOR THE DEFILEMENT OF #CHRISTIAN #MUSLIM #JEWISH #ZOROASTER #BUDDHIST #MORMON #SCIENTOLOGIST VIRGINS, BUT THE GERMS HAVE LINED UP TOO MANY OF THEIR GERMONIC EQUIVALENTS TO BE, BECAUSE THIS #POUNDING HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR DAYS. AND IT WON’T LET ME SLEEP. AND WHEN I TRY TO SLEEP I SWEAT THROUGH BLANKETS THINKER THAN THE SKULL OF A MONGOLOID PRIEST. MY SKIN STAYS CLAMMY LIKE A THREE DAY OLD CORPSE LUBED AND PRIMED FOR THE NEIGHBORHOOD #NECROPHILE.

 THEN THERE’S MY #THROAT, WHICH PURRS LIKE A RUSTY GUITAR STRING BETWEEN TWO STRIPS OF #RAWROTTING BACON. WHEN I ACTIVATE ITS PHLEGM PRODUCTION MECHANISM I AM GIFTED JIZZY CHUNKULES FLECKED IN BLOOD. THEY ARE STRONG, THESE #PHLEGMWARRIORS, FOR WHEN I ATTEMPT TO SPIT THEM INTO THE SINK, THEY ARE TOO PROUD TO MERELY WASH DOWN THE DRAIN, THEY HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE, LIKE WITCHES OF YORE, TOSSED IN A RIVER TO GAUGE THEIR DEVILRY. I HONOR THEM BY SHOVING THEM THROUGH THE DRAIN WITH MY FINEST #2 PENCIL, WHICH REMAINS UNSHARPENED, IN RECOGNITION OF ALL THE POTENTIAL WASTED, WADDED, AND FLUSHED TO OBLIVION.

THEN THERE IS MY THROAT HANGING THINGY. MY #ULVA? #VOOLYAVA? #VOOBLEEDOO? ANYHOW, ITS NAME IS NOT SO IMPORTANT. IM MORE WORRIED THAT MY #VOOLEYVOO SEEMS TO HAVE GROWN VEINS MOST VARICOSE AND APPEARS TO BE COVERED IN WHITE SCABS. WHENEVER I TRY TO SWALLOW IT IS LIKE LOWERING A PINATA OF NAKED NERVES INTO A VAT OF BATTERY ACID

MY PET SNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS SAYS I AM A #BADSICK, #WHINYBITCHSICK. #CRYMEARIVEROFBLACKTEARSANDDROWNINITSICK. HE SAYS A #POSITIVEATTITUDE WILL DO WHAT #HEALTHINSURANCE CAN’T. I TOLD HIM I’M FUCKED BC I DON’T HAVE EITHER, AND MAYBE HE SHOULD JUST WRAP AROUND MY CLAMMY NECK WITH ITS LYMPH ENGORGED NODULES PULSATING AND JUST SQUEEZE THE LAST POINTLESS DROPS OF LIFE FROM THIS JUICEY ORANGE NAMED #DREX. HAHA. #COUGHCOUGH. DIE. SENTIMENTS OF HUMOR IMPORTANT WHEN YOUR ONLY OTHER SENSATIONS ARE BURNING PAIN AND LONGING FOR DEATH.

INSTEAD MY SNAKE BRO GOES TO #DUANEREADE #WALLGREENS, AND PROCURATED OVER THE COUNTER MEDICINALS AT THE BEHEST OF THE #PHARMACOLOGICAL INDUSTRIAL COMPLEXICON. I PREPARED THE ALTAR FOR THE RITUAL OF OVER THE COUNTER INTERVENTION. I PAINTED A PENTAGRAM IN PEPTO BISMOL, AND PLACED COLLECTIONS OF FIVE OF MY MOST TUMULTUOUS, SHAME INDUCING SICKNESS EXCRETIONS IN #CATSKULL SAUCERS AT THE CORNERS. NAKED, WHITE, SLIPPERY SKINNED AND RED EYED, I SAT CROSS LEGGED IN THE CENTER WHERE I CRUSHED 7 GENERIC SLEEP TYLENOLICS WITH A MAYAN MORTAR AND PISTLE. I SNORTED THEM RECITING THE NAMES OF THE BEST BASSISTS OF THE 70S, AND MY MIND CLEARED TO FOCUS ON THE MOST PURE HATRED.

I AWOKE IN MY BED CHAMBER TWO DAYS LATER, SWEAT DRIPPING FROM MY HORSE SKIN BLANKET. I AM STILL SICK. SICKNESS NOW. SICKNESS FOREVER. SICKNESS OUROBORUS. SIC SEMPER SICKNIUM OMNIUM CRAPPIUS AD INFINUM.

THESE GERMS ARE THE WORST. THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN THE PROMISE OF LOVE.  THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN INDIE ROCKERS IN “BLACKMETAL” BANDS. THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN VEGAN MEAT PRODUCTS. THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN LOSING THE AFFECTION OF YOUR PARENTS. THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN AUSTRALIAN TOURISTS. THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN FINDING A CAT HIT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, AND FINDING SOMEONE HAS ALREADY EATEN ITS EYES. THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN A BITE OF MITT ROMNEY’S #JERKYFACE WITHOUT #SMOKEYFLAVORING.  THESE GERMS ARE WORSE THAN THAT #GORGOROTH RE-RECORDING OF #UNDER THE SIGN OF HELL. IF THEY KILL ME, KNOW THAT I WISHED I COULD HAVE MET EACH OF YOU IN PERSON, SO YOU COULD KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.

#COUGHCOUGH. DIE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keANFputRSw&feature=player_embedded

-DV

Follow Drex on Twitter or, if you’re single, hit him up on OK Cupid! You can also e-mail him at drexsez AT gmail DOT com.