FRANKIE PALMERI HAS A SECRET

As you can see from the above tweet, Emmure are getting ready to unleash new music upon the world despite the fact that we’re still recovering from their last contribution to not spending money on starving orphans. And why are we to be so very blessed with even more new Emmure so soon? Because Frankie Palmeri needs to say what needs to be said, damn it.

But what does he need to say, I wonder? Here are some guesses:

• “I realize now that the teachings of Credo Mutwa are, in fact, just the ramblings of an insane con man looking to take advantage of gullible people looking for hope. Consequently, I have now decided to devote my existence to an ancient religion that is of some actual merit: Scientology.”
• “I have new passcodes for Streetfighter!”
• “I’ve decided that Mortal Kombat is actually superior to Streetfighter!”
• “I saw *batteries not included and, yeah, that IS what I was remembering after all, oopsie, sorry!”
• “My mom read me the Watchman graphic novel and now I don’t like the movie anymore.”
• “Marta Peterson, Alana Potocnik, Kristen Randall, and Lisa Marx are all secretly the same person. Seriously. Ever seen them all in one room together before? No? Didn’t think so!”
• “Knowing really IS half the battle.”
• “I can’t believe it’s not butter, either. I mean, it tastes JUST like butter. Fabio was a wise dude.”
• “Have you ever wondered if rats have nipples? Well I have, and here’s the answer!”
• “I know how Bruce Wayne got from that prison pit back to Gotham in The Dark Knight Rises!”
• “There’s a perfectly logical explanation why I still use the phrase ‘real talk.’”
• “Those losers at MetalSucks are lying, Dino Cazares does NOT actually eat babies.”
• “After a long discussion with Gloria Steinem, I have come to the conclusion that writing songs about making a woman look into my eyes while she performs oral sex on another man is misogynistic and wrong. I apologize. For the remainder of our career, Emmure will be donating a portion of all our proceeds to V-Day. We can only hope that this begins to mend the fences we have torn.”
• “Finally, I can tell you this picture exists!!!”

-AR

[via Espy Rock]