BLACK METAL BRUNCH: DREX THINKS YOUR TATTOOS ARE STUPID

July 15th, 2012 at 10:14am
MetalSucks

YOUR TATTOOS ARE AWFUL. CAIN WAS MARKED FOR SLAYING HIS BRO BRO ABELARD IN THE #JEWTESTAMENT, BUT THAT PRE CHRISTLOVER COLLECTION OF TRIBAL LORE IS AS FALLACIOUS AS A MIRACLE #HONEYDIPPED IN PAPAL PEDIGREE. AS FLACCID AS #POPESTONGUE IN SLEEPING BOY’S MOUTH. BELIEVE THESE PRE FALSECHRIST MYTH CRAPPLINGS, GET TERMINAL CASE OF #SCROLLIOSIS. HAHA!

BUT AGAIN LET ME BE CLEAR, AND NOT MINCE MY WORDS WITH ANY LOCALLY COTERMINUS KNIFE OR SHARP EDGED CORNER: YOUR TATTOOS ARE AWFUL. THEY ARE NOT THE MARK OF #CAIN, THEY ARE THE MARK OF #CANT. THE ANCIENT ART OF #TATTOOTERIE IS #VH1CLASSIC MANNER OF TELLING ALL THE #VISUALLEARNERS OUT THERE THAT YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH #BODYIMAGEISSUES. CAN’T DEAL WITH DEAD #DOG #GRANDMOTHER #BROTHER #SISTER #MOTHER #FATHER #MONKEYPET #FAVORITETEENHOODBAND. CAN’T DEAL WITH THE LIMITATIONARY OF THIS FLAKING STINKING #RASHSCRATCHY SKIN WHICH IS OUR BIRTHY BLANKET AND DEATH SHROUD. CAN’T EXPRESS PERSONALITY WITHOUT #VISUALAIDS. CAN’T GET JOB WITHOUT FULL BODY SUIT. CAN’T GET ON WAITING LIST FOR LASER REMOVAL BECAUSE CAN’T GET JOB. #VICIOUSCYCLES #1990SALICECOOPER.

[ENTERS FIRST #INFERIOR INTO THE UNHOLY SANCTUM WHERE A LOIN BE-CLOTHE-ED DREX HOLDS COURTE UPON A THRONE OF BONES, HIS ALABASTER EPIDURMALS AGLOW WITH A TERRIFYING PALLOR OF PRETERNATURAL ORIGIN.

“BUT BRO!” SAYETH THE FIRST #INFERIOR. AND DREX SAYETH “YES LITTLE ONE?” AND IN REPLIANCE THE INFERIOR SAYETH “I HAVE SPECIAL WORK DONE BY FRIEND. GREAT TAT ARTIST. I LOVE ART, FEEL LIKE IT IS A PART OF ME. NOW IT IS. FOREVER.” AND REPLIETH THE DREX “THE FOULEST MISCALCULATIONS RESIDE IN YOUR PUTRID MATH! YOUR LOVE IS NOW A SHAM PRISONER CRUDELY REPLICATED VIA SUBCUTANEOUS NEEDLING SKETCH. YOU #LUVS YOUR GRANDMAS, WHY NOT TAKE HER CORPSES ARM AND ATTACH IT TO YOUR BODY? BECOME AN ABOMINATION. SCRATCH BACK WITH LADYHAND. FRIGHTEN ALL CHILDREN. MAKE BETTER COOKIES. SICKSO #INFERIOR! YOU LOVE HAM SANDWICH? WHY NOT STAPLE THAT TO FOREHEAD? ETC. ETC. BE GONE!”

[FIRST #INFERIOR SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS, #JESTERSNAKE #TRSIMEGISTUS HISSES, TRIES TO JUGGLE WITH ONE BEANBAG AS CLEAN UP CREW ENTERS TO SPRAY OFF THE LIQUID FLESH CAKED TO THE STONE FLOOR LIKE BURNT EGGS, BLOODY, STUCK TO THE PAN, MALODOROUS. #TRISMEGISTUS IS SNAKE WITH NO HANDS SO SORTA JUST ROLLS BEANBAG ON FLOOR. HISSES MORE. HITS HEAD ON LITTLE SQUEEZEY JESTER HORN. SECOND #INFERIOR ENTERS.]

“BUT BRO!” SAYETH THE SECOND #INFERIOR. “MMMHMMS YEAH WHATEVER” PRESPONSED DREX, MAGNIFICENT, TERRIBLE, HAIRY, ASTUTE, AND WHITE AS A LUMP OF SNOW RAISED BY ITS OLDER SISTER THAT IS ACTUALLY ITS MOTHER IN AN #AUSTRIANTORTUREDUNGEON. “THESE ARE THE MARKINGS OF TIME. I MIGHT NOT BE PROUD OF EACH OF THESE THINGS ON ME, BUT AT LEAST I KNOW THEY HAPPENED. EACH ONE IS A STORY FROM A LIFE—MY LIFE. SOME GOOD, SOME BAD, BUT ALL MINE. EACH A LANDMARK CHARTING A STOPPING POINT IN MY JOURNEY FROM LIFE TO DEATH.”

AND DREX, OF FURROWED BROW, BEGET A LOOK OF #TR00NORWEGIANCONFUSION, AND SCRATCHED ACROSS HIS CURLY BARBED CHEST, AS IF HE WERE STIMULATING THE FOLDS OF AN ENORMOUS #HAIRYBRAIN.

“CARRY CAMERA TAKE PICTURE IT WILL LAST LONGER. HA! NO, IT WILL PROBABLY CEASE TO BE LIKE EVERY OTHER SMALL PRECIOUS HUMAN MEMENTO HANDED DOWN THROUGH TIME TO PROVIDE AN ILLUSION OF HUMAN CONTINUITY AND MEANING. HAHA, I CAST ERSTWHILE GLARES AT YOUR #FAMILYBIBLE WHILE I STIMULATE MY #CHESTHAIRBRAIN, SO LOWLY DO I CONSIDER IT. BUT SERIOUSLY, SECOND #INFERIOR. THE BODY IS NOT A TREASURE MAP. THE BODY IS NOT A #SPECIALMEMORYBOOK. IT IS A CHEMICAL MACHINE PREPROGRAMMED TO SUFFER, AND THEN DIE WHEN IT RUNS OUT OF PAIN TO INFLICT UPON YOU. SO GO ON, CREATE YOUR ILLUSIONS OF MEMORY AND CONSEQUENCE, THEY ARE NO MORE EFFICACITOUS THAN BUILDING SAND CASTLES BEFORE A TIDE OF SEWAGE DROWNS YOU, SCATTERS YOUR CREATIONS IN SALTED SPRAY, AND COURSING WATERY HANDS #RIPSCURRENT YOU TO THE BLACK INFINITY’S VOID OCEANIC. SO MAYBE SLOW YOUR #COWABUNGAS? (#NICETRIBALBRO.)”

[INFERIOR #2 STROKES GOATEE REAL SLOW. BACKS OUT OF ROOM. LOUD SOBBING SOUNDS]

#TATTOOTERIE WAS A DARK ART FOR #REBELS #SAMURAI #CARNYFOLKE #SAILORS AND SOCIETY’S FUNGAL INFECTION OF ASSORTED BASTARDS AND MISCREANTS. TODAY A KINGERGAARTEN TEACHER CAN PUBLISH THE ANTISOCIAL SEMIOTICALS OF THE #CONVICT ON HER SHOULDER, ON HER FACE, IN THE SHADOWED PLUNGE OF HER DECOLLETAGE. FOR VANITY’S SAKE, DANGER HAS BEEN CASTRATED, ITS TESTICLES GROUND UP AND SIMMERED IN THE WORLD’S INK VATS, ITS FINAL VIGOR EXHAUSTED IN THE SHADING OF A CROTCH BUTTERFLY, OR A #CHINESECHARACTER ON THE ANKLE OF A #SCOTCHIRISHMAN. IF THE CARNIES OF YORE ARE THE #COOLMOMS OF TODAY, WHAT IS TO BECOME OF #TR00REVOLUTIONARY #CHRISTKILLING #BLACKMETAL? YOUR TATTOOS ARE AWFUL.