QUESTION OF THE WEEK: THE MOST DANGEROUS LAME

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Who doth not love a scandalous barb? A well-aimed zing? A biting roast? A cheap shot, even? We certainly do! So it was to our delight Tuesday when a busted-out, oft-incarcerated, crack-thin sitcom actor launched a diss in the direction of an enormous target: Axl Rose of Rose N’ Roses.

Too bad it wasn’t a clever line, and too bad it came at a time designated to honor Rose’s most renowned ex-bandmate. But what if the public insult stirred Rose to action? What if the pair of nutjobs agreed to settle their beef the gentlemanly way: a fight from which only one man will escape with his life? Welcome to today’s MetalSucks Question Of The Week, a weekly survey of our staff on a recent hot-button issue that’s (not really) rocking our metal planet. 

Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight to the bone-cone. Here’s this week’s question:

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Inspired by Charlie Sheen’s sycophantic jeers of Axl Rose at Tuesday’s unveiling of the Slash star on Hollywood’s Walk Of Fame, we asked our staff the following question:

Who would you bet on to win a Charlie Sheen vs. Axl Rose battle to the death on a deserted island?

Wat u think? The MS staff’s expert answers after the jump!

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KELLHAMMER
Easy: Axl Rose. Only because before the battle I’d hunt down and mutilate that other louse before Rose got a chance to drunkenly fumble at a first swing.

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ANSO DF
lol I’d wager on Charlie Sheen to win by a nose. After sundown on that first night, Rose and Sheen would call a truce, agree to pursue a buzz via smoking each others’ scant body hair, and awake the next morning crippled by withdrawal and hollering for their PAs. Delusional and quaking, Rose would mistake Sheen’s lilywhite leg for a giant Klonopin; Sheen would treat the ensuing bite wound with island-native pixie dust (i.e. spiders). Hours later Rose would perish half-digested inside a python after Sheen bashes it against a tree in a rescue attempt; Sheen, exhausted by Rose’s heft, would seat himself on a nearby tiger just in time to be vaporized by a North Korean test missile.

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LEYLA FORD
Hmm, has-been Charlie Sheen against winded-after-first verse Axl Rose? I’d probably bet on Sheen. But it would be a lame fight, a lot of slapping and hair-pulling. Now if it were a question of who’s crazier, that would be tricky.

… Sheen again.

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AXL ROSENBERG
I don’t even think this is a close fight. Charlie Sheen has one thing going for him: stamina. Axl Rose gets winded sometimes and, yeah, he falls down a lot. But in the ’80s he attacked David Bowie, in the ’90s he lept into the audience to attack a biker/fan, and just last year he attacked a paparazzo. And he’s legitimately disturbed in ways Sheen can never dream of: Sheen is an attention whore because his daddy was famous; Rose is an attention whore because his daddy raped him. You think he’s gonna let the star of Men At Work kick his ass?

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KIP WINGERSCHMIDT
Absolutely Charlie Sheen. His drug-fueled fury would trounce Axl’s whiny bitch-osity in mere moments. Besides, Sheen has proven again and again that despite having plenty to lose, he couldn’t give a shit and will go hard until death! True rock star.

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DAVE MUSTEIN
Charlie Sheen‘s the clear winner here. He’s already got the physical edge over Rose (not to mention the meth-strength) and Rose would probably need $15 million and 15 years to figure out how to kill Sheen.

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SAMMY O’HAGAR
My money’s on Axl Rose. According to my sources, Rose is about 4’8″ and a Napoleon complex would give him the significant upper hand. And being scrappy, he’s probably gotten into more fights and had to get creative to win. Has Charlie Sheen ever had to fight for anything? Rose has had to fight for respect, adoration, the right to erode all his credibility, and Stephanie Seymour. He even bravely fought the members of Guns n’ Roses to get sole rights to their name; did Charlie Sheen ever repurpose Two And A Half Men with no original cast members besides himself? Wait, he did? It’s called Anger Management? And Axl Rose’s actual height is 5’8″? Oh I see. Then I guess it’s a toss-up.

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COREY MITCHELL Who cares?