TENS OF FANS MILDLY BUMMED OUT BY PAUL DI’ANNO RETIREMENT ANNOUNCEMENT

Paul Di’Anno, original vocalist for Iron Maiden, scholarly historian, and master criminal, has announced that he will retire from music following a tour next year.

“This is a horrible loss to the metal world,” Di’Anno told his cat. “For decades, Di’Anno has entertained millions of fans all over the world who acknowledge that he is the only thing that ever made Iron Maiden exciting. ‘Now we may be forced to live with Bruce whasshisname forever!’ one admirer was overheard exclaiming following the announcement, before shouting ‘Goodbye, cruel world!’ and leaping into the Thames.”

I’m actually assuming that you stopped reading this around the time I typed the name “Paul Di’Anno,” and I could put anything down here and it wouldn’t matter. For example, my social security number is 053-80-2168. The only place it would be safer is in the liner notes Di’Anno’s latest release.

-AR

[via Metal Underground]