METAL JUST GOT PREGNANT

There’s a longstanding theory amongst humorless, fun-hating IMNs who only like Genghis Tron because Pitchfork told them to that the members of Iwrestledabearonce are all homosexuals. I don’t know if this disproves that theory because someone in the band now has proof of intercourse with a member of the opposite sex, or proves that theory because someone in the band now has proof of love of cock. In any case, this happened:

Vocalist Krysta Cameron is pregnant and, for the time being at least, out of the band.

Here’s an official statement from guitarist/founding member Steven Bradley:

“So here it is… complete transparency.  A press release written by me (Steven, original IWABO guitarist) with the truth on what’s going down.

“The day before our Warped Tour show in Dallas, TX we had a day off in the DFW area. Krysta lives there now, so she went home to relax and do some laundry. The next day, we received word from her minutes before our set that she discovered she and her fiancé are expecting a kid and she would not be returning to finish Warped Tour with us. Obviously this is an insane curveball for everybody, but in typical IWABO fashion we will press on. And no matter what happens, Krysta has been our best friend for years and we want her to be happy.

“So what the fuck is the plan then, you ask? Well on literally a few minutes notice, our friend Courtney LaPlante flew her ass down to meet up with us today so that won’t miss a single show of this tour. Courtney is a beast in both the singing and screaming departments and is also an incredibly awesome person. We wouldn’t tarnish the years of work that we’ve put into this band by having somebody half-ass it on stage with us, so please come to a show and give her a high-five and make her feel welcome for doing us this huge favor. It makes it feel even better and more natural since she has been a long-term fan of our band and already knows the material.

“So long story short; Fear not friends and Bear Fuckers… We will continue to play Warped Tour and we hope that you will continue to support us. Getting to play for and talk to so many of you on a daily basis is honestly what we live for, and we will definitely continue with our plan to high-five everybody on Earth. We will update you with more info soon, including some new tour dates and info on our recently-finished full-length horror/comedy/whatever film A Beary Scary Movie!

“And finally, thank you so much to everybody who has been so supportive of us for all these years and we hope to see you again soon!”

And now, a few thoughts:

• Mazel tov to Krysta and her man!
• I don’t know Courtney LaPlante at all (although here’s her picture if you’re curious) and I’m not going to Warped Tour, so someone email me after you see her and let me know if she’s any good or not. We can’t pretend that Cameron’s vocals haven’t been a big part of this band’s sound, so, yeah, kind of important.
• I hate to be a dick, but I would now like to officially predict that Cameron is never coming back to the band. My reasoning is thus: if she doesn’t wanna tour while she’s pregnant (an understandable decision — not everyone can be Mel Mongeon), I have a hard time believing she’s gonna give birth and then be like, “Okay, lemme hit the road now!” And clearly IWABO isn’t going to sit around and wait nine months* plus some portion of the baby’s infancy to continue their activities. So I just don’t see this working out.

And, um, that’s it! Like I said, if anyone goes and sees the band with LaPlante, let me know how she is. I’m legitimately curious.

-AR

*Power metal fans: the gestation period of a human baby is nine months.