BLACK METAL BRUNCH: DREX TRIES THE SPORTING LIFE

COMPETITION IS A NECESSARY CRUDENESS PROTUBERATING FROM THE WHORISH SKIRTS OF OUR BODY POLITIC. AND OH MY #NONEXISTENTLORDE, HOW SHE BLUSHES!

#IRONICS NO? EXPECIALLY SINCE COMPETITION IS THE MANLIEST, HAIRIEST STICK OF MEASURE IN THE EFFERVESCING #SEWAGEMELT OF COMMON #INFERIOR HUMANITY. #INFERIORS UTILIZE IT #ADINFINUM IN ORDER TO MEASURE THEIR COMPARATIVE ASPECTS AND GAUGE THE NATURE AND VOLUME OF THEIR DEFICIENCY, AND LO, #SPOILERALERT, IT IS EXTENSIVE. THEY DO THIS LARGELY ACROSS THE REALMS OF #MARKETBASED #CONSUMERACCUMULATION AKA “#YOUDON’TFUCKME #IFUCKYOU: A TALE OF THE INVISIBLE HAND”, AND #FLESHFULL AND #FLUIDEMPTYING #SEXUALCONQUEST AKA “#WEFUCK, AND THEN #YOU’REFUCKEDWHENIDON’TCALL: A TALE OF A SEMI-VISIBLE FIST.” THE COMPULSION IS CURIOUS AS IT IS PATHETIC, AS WAS #JOB’S CONTINUED ALLEGIANCE TO A SADISTIC MONSTER, #AKA THE SUPPOSED ABRAHAMIC #GOD. #AKAFANTASYMAGICDAD.

THESE COMPETITIONS FOR RESOURCES AND GENE PROMULGATIONS ARE UNDERSTANDABLE, EVEN IF LARGELY #INFERIOR. YET THERE IS ANOTHER REALM WHERE #COMPETITION REACHES A SNOWY PEAK OF MAXIMAL INFERIORITY, OVERLOOKING A BROWNING #LEAKLADEN VISTA OF EMOTIONAL EXCESSIVES. IT IS A REALM WHERE ALLEGIANCE TO THE #LUBBYDUBBY #LIL IDEOLOGIES OF #STATE #CITY #ETHNICITY #EDUCATIONALINSTITUTE #HISTORY AND #CORPORATION MELT AND MINGLE IN A CAULDRON OF #VIRILE #SUBLIMATEDHOMOEROTICISM. I REFER HERE TO THE REALM OF #SPORTS, AND ALL ITS PATHETIC MONKEY CLAPPING OBSESSORS CAN CHOKE ON THEIR #NEWERA® CAPS IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT. MAYBE GO OUTSIDE WORK ON JUMP SHOT, TEAR #ACL, HOBBLE FOREVER, AND MATCH IN YOUR #CORPOREALITY THE CRIPPLEDNESS YOUR SPIRIT WAS ALREADY EXHIBITING. SO LISTEN UP #SPORTSINFERIORS: UR DOING WAR WRONG.

OH MY! HOW GREAT IT MUST BE TO FEEL A PART OF BIG #STUPIDDRUNKO #ALLEGIANCE PARTY, WITH YOUR OWN SPECIAL #JERKTOWELS AND #CORPORATE-BE-LOGO’D #SHIRTYSHIRTS! OH HOW THE FLUIDS OF JOY MUST CIRCULATE AS YOUR EYES COMPETE ON THE FLATSCREEN FOR GREATEST OBEDIENCE TO A FORCE YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT AN IMAGINARY SYNTHETIC CONNECTION TOO! HOPE THAT #PREBLOOMBERG SIZED #SPORTIESDRINK YOU GUZZLE AS YOU GAWK DOESN’T GIVE YOU #DIABETES, FOR AN #AMPUTATION OF ONE OF YOUR LEGS WOULD SURELY CURTAIL YOUR ABILITY TO WEAR TWO SOCKS CARRYING YOUR TEAM’S LOGO AS YOUR PORKLY UNREALIZED FLESHFROM IS LOWERED INTO #CENTERFIELD #THE50YEARDLINE #MIDICE #MIDPITCH AT THE STADIUM OF YOUR #POSTRELIGIOUS #SPORTS ALLEGIANCE. HAHA! AT YOUR FUNERAL I PUTS A RALLY CAP OVER YOUR FALLOW GENITAL SPACE #JOCKO, BC YOU’VE LONG SINCE FORFEITED YOUR SPIRIT’S #FRUCTIFEROCITY AT A TINY ALTAR OF CARDBOARD THAT MUST BE MAGNIFICENTLY LIT, FOR HOW ELSE WOULD YOU FORGET IT SITS IN THE MAJESTIC INDIFFERENCE OF PITILESS #NATURE: A TEMPLE OF INFINITY, A PIGSKIN SPIRIT UNFURLED ATOM BY ATOM, LACED LACKLUSTERLY WITH STONE AND BLOOD.

LOOK, I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK: “OH, DREX PROBABLY BAD AT SPORTS, LAST PICKED. METHINKS THIS #CLOWNBITCH WAS THE #CROWNPRINCE OF ADOLESCENT SOCIAL EXCLUSION. ALSO POTENTIAL #SENSORYMOTORISSUES WITH THAT GUY, #BIGTIME. COORDINATIONALLY CHALLENGED. #MAHFUCKA CAN’T JUGGLE WITH ONE. LOW MUSCLE TONE IN HIS ARMS, LIKE #ALIENBABY, OR #VEALCALF.”

AND IF YOU THINK THAT, I CERTAINLY DON’T SAY “#FUCKSTOYOU!!” AND CERTAINLY DON’T RUN TO FAVORITE #EMOTIONALSAFETY #TRASHDUMPSTER AND CHEW ON CHICKENBONE WHILE MY MIND CHEWS ON THE PAIN OF #YOUTHSHAME.

AND #MOREOVERS, I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE PALTRY PLEASURE YOU CALL #SPORT. I LENT MY WARRIOR’S #CHESTPELT AND FEARSOME #SLIDETACKLING TO A TRIBE OF #INTRAMURALIST SOCCER PLAYERS THIS LAST SPRING. ON ADVICE OF BOSS AT #GRAPHICDESIGNGIG. HE SAID “COME ON OUT #MAN. GREAT WAY TO MEET PEOPLE AND NETWORK. IT’S CO-EDUCATIONAL, SO MAYBE YOU’LL MEET SOMEONE. WE GO OUT DRINKS AFTER, YOU #TALENTEDMUSICIAN TOO, LIKE SKRILLEX DJ NO? WHATEVER, #PLAYITUPBRO, IF YOUR GAME PROWESS IS SUFFICIENT, PERHAPS YOU MAY SCORE THE WINNING GOAL OF CARNAL DELIGHT!”

I TRIED. I HONORED THE RITES. OFFERED UP MYSELF HONESTLY TO THE GREAT VOID. I DRESSED IN FULL ARSENAL OF #SHINGUARDS #CHAINMAIL, AND #BATTLEKILT. I ANNOINTED MY HEAD WITH THE PITUITARY SPURTINGS OF A #SHEWOLF, AND PLUCKED THIRTY OF MY FINEST CHEST HAIRS AND PLANTED THEM UNDER THE HEMLOCK’S SHADE. I LIT A PIG TALLOW CANDLE, AND FORCED A SQUIRREL TO INSEMMINATE A RAT AT KNIFEPOINT. IT IS SAFE TO SAY DREX WAS #READYFORSOMEFOOTBALL.

MY PETSNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS DRESSED UP AS CHEERLEADER AND SPENT GAMES IN #GOODSPORTFUN, HECKLING OTHER TEAM, THREATENING THE SAFETY OF THEIR CHILDREN (#ALLUGLY #WORMRIDDEN #NEEDBAGS), AND DEMEANING THEIR PATHETIC #LOCALBARSPONSOR. HA! GOODFUN. I THOUGHT FOR #TRILISECOND MAYBE SPORTS NOT SO BAD.

BUT ALL WAS NOT WELL IN STUPID DUMBDUMB SPORTSVILLE. FOR MIGHTY #DREX PLAYS ACCORDING TO THE RULES OF WARFARE ANCIENT, #FIFA BE DAMNED!!!!

EVERYONE TOLD DREX “NO” ALL THE TIME, MAKING THE SPORT PLAY PROCESS A DOMINANCE DEFLATING #BONERMURDERER. “NO DREX, YOU CAN’T KICK PEOPLE WITH RAZOR CLEATS,” **EVEN** IF THEY HAVE BALL! “NO DREX, YOU CANNOT USE AN IVORY HANDLED BLADE TO CUT OFF A GOALIE’S SHIRT AS A TROPHY” (THE VIETNAMESE EAR OF #SPORT), **EVEN** AFTER YOU INSEMMINATE THE VIRGINAL NET WITH A DEMON’S THRUST OF A CORNER KICK!
“NO DREX, YOU CAN’T STAB BALL, DOUSE IT IN PIG’S BLOOD AND OFFER IT TO THE #VOID AFTER A VICTORY.” APPARENTLY IT IS VERY EXPENSIVE. ACCORDING TO MY BOSS #CHUCK, MY RUTHLESS BUT EFFECTIVE #SPORTFARE STRATEGIES “EFFECTIVELY GUARANTEED POSTGAME CELIBACY,” BUT WHAT’S HE KNOW? IN HIS CONDO? WITH HIS WIFE AND PRECIOUS BABY, EATING A DELICIOUS #SENSIBLEDINNER RIGHT NOW, AS I LISTEN FROM THE BATHROOM, #IVORYBLADEINHAND, THE BEAST OF NEEDLESS #COMPETITION AWOKEN WITHIN ME, RAMPANT AND METASTATIC, HOWLING RED-EYED THROUGH MY VEINS FOR SATISFACTION, FOR A SETTLING OF THE FINAL SCORE.

-DV

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