“BETTER RAP-METAL THAN LIMP BIZKIT AND SCARE DON’T FEAR”

That was the subject line of an e-mail we received this morning from a reader who did not include his name in the body of the e-mail and I will assume therefore does not wish to be identified. I don’t blame him. Saying “They’re a better rap-metal band than Limp Bizkit or Scare Don’t Fear” is like saying “He’s a better Gameboy player than Rick Allen” — the bar is not set very high. And, what’s worse, this reader was either trolling us, or otherwise has terrible taste — because the band he sent us, Smash Hit Combo, is slightly better than Limp Bizkit or Scare Don’t Fear, but kind of the way Mussolini was slightly better than Hitler.

I mean, I don’t know why you’d ever be optimistic about a band called “Smash Hit Combo” — at least from a creative standpoint, being obsessed with video games and looking like Fred Durst’s little cousin didn’t work out too well for Emmure or Abacabb. When Smash Hit Combo are just playing music, they’re a totally generic sort-of-techy deathcore band. But then the rapping kicks in, and… oy. If there’s anything more ridiculous than a white dude rapping, it’s a French white dude rapping. It sounds about as threatening as a puppy with narcolepsy and about as elegant as this lady. That this band isn’t immediately laughed off the stage everywhere they go can only be evidence that the world’s population is, indeed, getting stupider.

And yet, I am posting the three videos the reader sent us for your lack of enjoyment:

Look: there have been one-and-a-half good rap-metal bands in history. One was Rage Against the Machine. The other was Faith No More (who are the half of a rap-metal band, since a limited portion of their catalog really qualifies as “rap-metal”). Those just aren’t very good odds for musicians interested in that genre. I’m not saying everyone should give up. I’m just saying no one should try in the first place.

-AR