NEW ROCK OF AGES TRAILERS MAKE ME THROW UP IN MY PANTS

I loathe Times Square, but when I do have to be in that part of town from time to time, one of my favorite things to do is walk by the Broadway theater occupied by the jukebox musical Rock of Ages just before a show. The line is inevitably overrun with fat retards from Long Island and New Jersey wearing Guns N’ Roses, Poison, and Motley Crue shirts. In other words, the line is not really that different from the line to get into a Guns N’ Roses, Poison, or Motley Crue concert.

Will those same Aqua Net Failthful line up for Rock of Ages the movie this summer? Not if they’re as confused by the flick’s new trailer as I am. What the fuck is this movie about? Is it a parody of Tipper Gore’s PMRC? Hollywood’s billionth hypocritical movie about the perils of fame? A slapstick comedy with Alec Baldwin and the Ex-Mr. Katy Perry? All of the above?

Also, why the FUCK is the hot hair metal singer everyone is obsessed with played by Tom Cruise, who will turn FIFTY this year? Anyone remember groupies trying to bang some fifty year old on the Strip back in the day? Anyone for a second buy Tom Cruise as a hard partying peer of Jani Lane?

I also don’t remember autotune being so prevalent in the 80s. But if you wanna hear Robo-Cruise covering Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive,” here’s your chance. It’s still better than Attack Attack! I guess.

-AR

[via Metal Insider]