GRAND SLAMS: BECOMING THE ARCHETYPE’S SETH HECOX TAKES ON MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
Hey metal lovers and haters, welcome to the first edition of Grand Slams!
Baseball is a glorious sport because it’s a series of showdowns. The pitcher stares down the batter and the two duke it out with balls thrown up to 100 MPH. We all know showdowns are epic, and if you don’t believe me just check out the most br00tal one ever. That’s right: a 46-year old Nolan Ryan beats the snot out of Robin Ventura. That’s some real balls!
Let’s talk about the upcoming 2012 MLB season. With Spring Training underway, you need to get the lowdown on what to expect this season now so you don’t feel left out when all the chicks just wanna talk about Wang and Pujols (one is a pitcher for the Nationals and the other is the best baseball player ever). So here’s the scoop, plus my predictions for each division.
NL East
The NL East is shaping up to be the best division in baseball, rivaling the AL East with four teams that should have winning seasons. The NL East sports the Phillies, my Braves, the vastly-improved Marlins and the vastly-improved Nationals. Oh yeah, and the Mets. Man, I feel bad for the Mets and their one fan (Sorry, Vince).
Seth’s Prediction: Phillies win the division, Nationals win a very close Wild Card race.
NL Central
The Brewers lost Prince Fielder, but at least they won’t be losing reigning NL MVP Ryan Braun for 50 games, and they still look good. The Cardinals also lost big time, as legendary manager Tony LaRussa retired and Albert Pujols left to sign with the Angels. The Reds are looking to capitalize on these losses by their rivals but still don’t look amazing themselves. There are lots of Cubs fans, but we all know they’ll never win, which brings to mind the line “If you got Cub problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems, but a 66-year curse ain’t one.”
Seth’s Prediction: Brewers win the division again despite losing Cecil Fielder’s equally portly son.
NL West
The Giants have great pitching just like they did two years ago when they won the World Series. But they still have absolutely no offense, so it’s hard to consider them a contender. The D’backs (or D’bags, depending on your feelings toward them) surprised everyone last year by playing above their level of talent. Maybe they can pull it off again this year?
Seth’s Prediction: D’backs win again, proving that being a D’bag isn’t all bad.
AL East
Although there are four good teams in this division, as usual, everything depends on the Yankees and Red Sox. The Evil Empire is back and stronger than ever. Expect them to win everything as they spend 50 times more than everyone (can you tell I’m a Red Sox fan?). The Red Sox might or might not be good, depending on whether the uber-talented team wants to work hard to win or they just sit on their nice contracts and look pretty.
Seth’s Prediction: Yankees win the division easily.
AL Central
The Tigers will dominate this division again. End of story.
Seth’s Prediction: Tigers. Duh.
AL West
The Rangers are awesome and will probably win the Wild Card this year after going to the World Series the last two years and losing. With the afore-mentioned Nolan Ryan running the club and Greg Maddux joining his brother Mike, the pitching coach, they’re gonna be good. However, the Angels just became awesome as well (see above) and will probably win the division.
Seth’s Prediction: Angels win, Rangers get Wild Card.
-SC
