GET READY FOR ZAKK VEIL BRIDES

I have finally reached the point where I can’t even muster outrage or disappointment over Zakk Wylde’s career choices. Twenty years ago, I probably would have lept from an airplane without a ‘chute if the dude had asked me to. Ten years ago, if he had announced that he was doing a guest spot on, say, a new Dope record, I would have wept hot, burning tears of anger and betrayal. Now, it’s been announced that he’ll contribute a solo to the new EP by Black Veil Brides — a band whose music ranks somewhere in-between anal warts and sensitivity training with Phil Labonte on the list of “Things I Hope to Avoid” — and I can’t even muster a shrug. Like, I tried to shrug, and my shoulder muscles were all, “Dude, don’t even waste the energy.” And so here I sit, shrugless.

I am, however, curious to see how those who still count themselves as Wylde fans react. Maybe I’m stereotyping based on the fact that these folks have a seemingly endless tolerance for guitar squeals but no tolerance for homosexuality, but I’m guessing they won’t take too kindly to Zakk working with a band whose members all look like Nikki Sixx circa Too Fast for Love, assuming Nikki Sixx circa Too Fast for Love had a vagina. Inevitably, some will try to defend Wylde’s decision, pointing out that he’s actually appearing on a cover of Kiss’ “Unholy,” and not an original BVB tune; but that argument won’t hold water, ’cause “Unholy” is from the album Revenge, a record about which even the members of Kiss give not a shit.

I guess what I’m saying is, no one should be surprised if an Occupy Zakk Wylde’s House movement suddenly arises. It will be just like Occupy Wall Street, only instead of a bunch of young liberals in downtown Manhattan, it’ll be a bunch of fat bikers in Trenton, New Jersey.

-AR

[via The PRP]