Leyla Ford’s Ten Eleven Cardinal Rules of Attending a Concert

We all go to shows. Shows are fun! But like all matters of civilized participation, there are certain unspoken rules. Well, I’m going to speak about them. Let’s make shows fun for everyone!

1. Show audiences are fluid. They don’t stand rooted to the same spot. Don’t like where you are? Too bad, should’ve come earlier and staked out your spot. Not good enough? Calmly and politely edge to where you want to be. Still can’t see? You will most probably be shoved/nudged/slammed sooner or later and you’ll eventually get a good spot. There is no need to barrel through people and knock them all over. You are not a bull, there is no red flag beckoning you to charge. You’re there to enjoy the band. So is everyone around you. Be considerate. The entire venue is not your personal pit. That’s a whole other set of rules.
2. Tip the bartender. Tip the merch people. Tip everyone that deserves to be tipped (meaning: exclude parking because they’re going to rip you off anyway).
3. If you are a woman (or man) of a certain type, this one show is not going to restore you to your glory days. Crying, double-fisting those bottles, and screaming “Sexy motherfucker,” is not attractive (note: have researched and confirmed this with qualified persons). Attention from the band will not make your life better. Put the beers down, wipe your face, and let a younger generation with no self-esteem claim their rightful place. Like I said, concerts are a fluid audience.
4. If you are a man (or woman) of a certain type, this show is not the place to prove your manhood/womanhood. Punching the skinny kid and flaunting your Tap-Out-clad chest while yelling/requesting songs that the band on-stage don’t even sing does exactly the opposite. Either go into the pit or stay near the bar where your fist pumping won’t lead to beer drenching.
5. If you are a couple of a certain type, how lovely! You have similar interests. It’s the music that we share that gets us all attention/laid. Which is why you can do that in your own time. Standing in the middle of the floor and making out is a very heartfelt commitment to your love, but people will bump into you. Don’t stand there and glare at those who dare disturb your romantic moment. As I keep saying, fluid audiences! People keep moving. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’re making plenty of people jealous, just do it to the side. Or better yet, in the parking lot.
6. Filming entire concerts, all the way through, with your shitty cell phone camera is stupid. Stop blocking everyone’s view, take a picture, cherish the moment, and wait for the official DVD. Or at least keep it to a minimum, because you’re going wear out the battery and the patience of the person next to you.
7. Photographers. Ah, photographers. Your thousand-dollar camera does not make you a “photographer.” Turn down the attitude and take the damn pictures.
8. Don’t get in a fight with the security (especially in Worcester).
9. Boys, don’t underestimate the girls in the pit.
10. Girls, don’t overestimate the “white knights” everywhere.
11. Support the band you’re there to see. Buy their shirts and CDs. Be as loud and obnoxious as you want in your sincerity, just mean it. Because if you do, they’ll come back and we can all go through this wonderful ordeal all over again!

-LF